Master Cleansing, Day 6-7 (Feels Like Heaven)

I finally had a nice re-introduction back into Yoga yesterday. I did it for two years at the beginning of my college career and have felt inadequate since I stopped for so long. I forgot how good it made me feel and how much stronger it really makes you. I knew my body had gotten significantly weaker since 2005, the very last time I was completely fit and was healthily addicted to exercise.

Because of how my body has appeared since then, people are surprised when they learn just how much knowledge I have on health and leading a lifestyle with a balanced diet and regular (crazy to some- I worked out 6-7 days a week, at least an hour or two each day) exercise routine. I remember feeling a lot more motivated and clearer. Duh, right?

Life gets in the way sometimes, and life had me letting myself go and lose interest in properly taking care of myself. I don't really regret it, as I was completely living at the same time. I was, in short, having the time of my life. I allowed myself this.

I've just finally decided that now's the time for me to get back to where I truly feel happiest with my mind and physical being. It's like kicking a bad habit (i.e. smoking) where you just have to feel internally ready.

I've decided to end the detox at eight days, which means tomorrow I'll have my last Master Cleansing liquids. I can't fucking wait to eat!!

In short, this detox did its job... but we'll confirm this once there's solid food in my system again.

Master Cleansing, Day 3-5 (Really Loving Life, Son!)

Man I've gotten pretty lazy blogging my detox journey. There really isn't much to say about the detox except that Days 1-3 can be described as having that feeling you get when you haven't slept for at least 24 hours- we all know the one- you feel like you're drunk, acting on pure emotion, everything is very dream-like. Except on this detox, you're just not tired. Completely out of it and yet hyper-aware.

Yesterday, the boy and I ventured into the city to just walk around what we dubbed *our* area (we met on W4 and 6th Ave.)- Greenwich Village. It was an experience that I can only explain with the question: who needs drugs?! Just detox! LoL. I remember walking into Barnes & Noble and feeling very restless. I was hyper-aware of everything around me and I was feeling anxious. No wonder you're not really supposed to be a part of civilization during the cleansing. Shit. Haha. But it was nice. Towards the end of the night we drove to Williamsburg to play some games at Barcade. Not really much organized thought into it, it was just fun. I remember looking at my friend's beer and feeling drunk just by the sight of it. Haha.

What's also interesting is that your senses are absolutely heightened (again, who needs drugs?!). You can imagine the pain when I smelled all the yummy aromas from all different types of food. However, the cool part about it is that I wanted it because it smelled so good, but something told me if I consumed any of those things, I'd throw up right away.

I can't wait to ease my body back into solid food. It's going to be a lot of fruits and veggies next week when we come off of this.

I just woke up from a nap where I had a dream that my sister and I bought cookies. Mmmm.

What else is there to say? Oh- a thought- WHY ARE PEOPLE SO LAZY?! I must've repeatedly answered the same questions in the last 5-6 days about this... I mean, my statuses are up, my blog is up... is this how people really function these days? They wait for information to be given to them before looking themselves? I don't mean to be a bitch at all- but this is just how I operate- I think efficiency and saving time, usually. I definitely don't mind helping my friends out, but I've always believed in helping yourself first, before expecting it. No worries though guys, this is just my opinion. I still love you... ever heard of tough love? Hehehe :)

Anyway, I woke up yesterday, Day 4, and today, feeling very calm and somewhat clearer. It definitely wasn't like the first 3 days where I felt completely zoned out. I'm not sure how to describe it. I just felt... light, mentally and physically... and at peace. Just... yeah... peaceful :)

More than halfway there! I can't wait to eat again! I will always love food (how can I not, I'm a crazy New Yorker- there is just way too much to love and try). *MMmmmMmm fondueeee*

Master Cleansing, Day 2 (I'm Still Alive!)

I feel absolutely fine. I'm surprised, very. Mostly because I had to take an hour's nap yesterday from my pounding headache. I suspected it was from being hungry, but it was definitely from being on the computer for several hours straight. I was worried that it would be like this every day and that I would have to stop, but I'm not kidding- I am more determined than anything to see this through to the end. And no, I'm not being foolish, because it's turning out to be a hell of a lot easier than I thought it'd be.

The headache went away after I slept. A few hours later when I was turning in for the night, my stomach hurt a little bit but that was for about 15 minutes.

I don't have much to say today except I have absolutely no cravings, my stomach growled a few times- which I fixed with making myself more of the juice- and my energy is just fine. In fact, I cleaned my kitchen, my bathroom and my living room floor with elbow grease! I mean, I was on all-fours when it came to scrubbing my living room floor. Go me!

And I still feel fine. I think fear and everyone else had me thinking I wasn't going to be as good as I feel right now.

Hell, if it's really just like this every day, perhaps I'll do a full 10-day detox. Cheers!

Master Cleansing, Day 1

I was presented- no, more like shoved into- some extremely difficult and mind-blowing situations this past Autumn. I took most of Winter, so far, to process everything and to start making what I feel are the best choices for a more desirable or highly preferred (by me, personally) outcome.

This is just what life is all about though. They ain't lyin' when they tell you life is really all a series of choices. And outcomes. And more choices and more outcomes, etc.

Surprising myself with the choice of doing a Detox is what I hope to be the first in a series of more positive outcomes and choices. Don't get me wrong, I'm usually one to be very content with my life, no matter how it looked in comparison to others. But I wasn't ecstatic about it, I wasn't crazy about it. I want to be crazy about my life again and I want to try something different. I get bored easily with life and usually the "normal" and "good" things cloud my real passion and excitement for it. I felt like I was submitting to be like everyone else, like society's puppet of some sort... and I mean, I wasn't completely adverse to living life with a little more "normalcy," but I knew I still needed to maintain a good, healthy level of "craziness" to keep me happy. This detox is a challenge and is something completely unfamiliar to me- but that's just it. That's one of the main reasons I'm doing it, other than how it apparently benefits your mental and physical health.

I get turned on by "different," as if you couldn't already tell. I mean, I pride myself on being one of the "crazy" people. You get the gist. I know what "Master Cleansing" looks like to some, but I dunno... I still pride myself on doing things that I'm into, no matter what others think.

Honestly, I'm so very excited about this. I feel like I have an endless mountain of things I've never finished- so this is a pretty big deal. I'm determined to finally accomplish something that wasn't given to me by our society (i.e. school, a job). Things that are just for me, kind of like new crayons for me to keep coloring my life. At least I feel like I'm one of the few people who have the whole "how to be happy in life" thing figured out. Now you see why I just don't think material and academic success being crucial factors towards true happiness- why I sometimes just don't believe in the academic system at all these days? You'll hear me be the first one to tell you that your Harvard-educated child might be one of the dumbest people I've ever met.

Anyway, I fell into somewhat of a depression from the aforementioned situations for two months. At the beginning of everything, I was at a place where I was on overload. I was extremely overwhelmed. I was at the peak of my strength and from there, somewhat plummeted downward. In other words, I didn't know how to deal with everything, I was sick of over-analyzing and over-thinking... so I took the easy way out and used more cigarettes as a vice. I used marijuana to calm my thoughts, to help me sleep and some days, to just drown out the entire day until I could fall asleep for the next one. I drank more than usual when I went out. I ate too much, I didn't exercise, I didn't really do much of anything. I was aware of what I was doing to myself, and I knew it would take some time before I picked myself back up. This is what I found to be extremely common and normal of everyone. Usually, I find that most people let themselves fall for a bit, let themselves be miserable and/or fall into their bad habits before taking charge again.

For a month, my boyfriend and I marked the calendar for January 19th- the start of our cleansing. And for the record, surprise surprise!- It was me who suggested the Cleanse way back in November, before he came back from the West Coast. When I went snowtubing this past Sunday, I was running on only a few hours of sleep. We got up at 6AM to drive to the mountain. After spending a day in the snow, driving down the mountain to go home in the middle of a blizzard up there, having dinner at a rest stop- I was sure I was going to crash as soon as I got home. Nope. I was up until 7 in the morning (25 hours total), over-thinking, going completely insane by myself as the world slept. My bf only had 40 minutes of sleep the night before, so he was completely out and I didn't want to wake him to have him deal with my neurosis. The darling was upset with me for that though, and made me promise to wake him up next time. I don't know, but during those torturous few hours of being awake, I just felt completely lost and alone. And it was because I didn't want to make better choices about dealing with some things that were eating away at me. I wanted to keep my mouth shut and keep handling it the way I have been- being passive aggressive or just attempting passivity in general. This is not in my true nature. I am expressive and impatient with conflict. If I can't talk about something, I become very irritated and it builds up. I only got 5 hours of rest after that and woke up around noon. This was all yesterday morning.

When I got up, I knew it was going to be the pre-Cleanse day, where we were only eating raw food. Ideally, we would have done it for several days before going into it. The good news? I confronted some of the major issues that were swimming around in my brain just a few hours prior. I discovered truth- and that's all I really aim for in life. Truth.

Of course, I have moments where I question the truth. It's important to me where the "truth" comes from, who it comes from, how it comes, etc. etc., the list goes on. Did I mention my mind is a lot more complicated than I could EVER show? For example, sometimes I'm not the most articulate person or I'll act immaturely about something. Some "intellectuals" probably find me stupid when in reality, my mind can handle, process and absorb more than these people ever could. I'm just bad with reiteration and articulating and organizing my thoughts- which, believe me, is the most frustrating thing to me. I think extremely highly of my mind, I believe it to be extraordinary and beautiful. I just think that if I applied myself more, I'd be a great success right now. The most annoying thing about this is my desire to share my discoveries with the world, to share my theories among the "intellectuals," but I just don't know how to. I'm not particularly worried about it though, as I know it's just another process I have to go through to find an answer.

God I really want some cheese right now. And a cigarette. Most of ALL, I want weed for this awful headache! Alas, no... definitely can't. And won't.

Anyway, so some light was shed on some situations that kept me up so long... and it's just all very interesting to me. Well, one of the things I've been dealing with has turned out to be very interesting, enlightening, somewhat disappointing but fortunate all at once. It was disappointing to find that someone I thought highly of upon first impression turned out to be a bit delusional. At least after gathering enough information from the necessary sources. It just made me sad for that person, really. I'm also angry because I feel completely disrespected, even though it was ME who initiated everything regarding the "quest" for the truth. And this person is just sitting there, being praised by everyone else- I swear this validation bullshit has most people so utterly misguided. Even now, I'm not sure if I should say anything or not, for fear of upsetting people I really do respect and care about.

But I do wish to say this to that person: His side of the story completely convinced me of what kind of person you are, on top of my own reservations about you. You put up a good front and I'm not even sure you're aware of your own front. You claim to have all these great qualities and yet they are not reflected in your actions. You write beautifully, convincingly... just not enough for someone like me. I re-read your emails and messages constantly in the short time we were interacting to find out why I felt somewhat slighted even though there were laughs and good intentions exchanged at the time. It's obvious you disapprove of me still, it's obvious you will not believe that we know exactly what we're doing. I don't understand it. Someone with so much Love and who claims to know so much about it, doesn't believe in couples who "beat the odds?" I mean, maybe I'm being harsh and not realizing it (I'm sorry, I come from a place that made me brutally honest)... and I understand there is a definite bias... but to disrespect us in the subtle ways that you have, I'm not sure how I feel about that. What I really want to say is, give it up. Your reality turned out to be more than it really is and was. If everyone involved in this matter has been completely honest, then this is what I think of you. I'm disappointed because I had so much love for you. For someone supposedly so loving and open-minded, you turned out to be very judgmental. I don't know though, I wish I was allowed to cut straight to the source... *Sighs* Oh well.

Different realities for everyone, I've always had to accept this whenever I witnessed or experienced a clashing of people's realities. But then there's just truth, or whatever it is that will remain constant, despite of varying perspectives. And I have several, constant foundations that confirm my advanced place on the path we all share as human beings.

I have a headache from being very hungry, so I'm losing my train of thought. I'm attempting to write every single day of this Detox, so we'll see where I'm at later on or tomorrow with everything. I wanted to keep a public log of this, kind of like an experiment for myself and for my readers.

I love this kind of shit, maannn :)

Growed-Up

I've been observing and thinking a lot about what "growing up" really means. I'd like to share what it means for me personally, especially since I believe that even though I'm only 24 years old, I feel like I have lived for 50. You don't have to agree, but the people who really and truly understand and know me, agree full-heartedly. Because they know I'm equally struggling with them over this beautiful concept of growing up.

Growing up and maturity. This can mean having a "real job," a car, a house, a family, to a lot of people. In my experience, I have met many people with such things who are sadly some of the most immature I have ever come across. Obviously, I don't think possessions/material wealth make you "grown." It's how you deal with these possessions and so many other things in life. Furthermore, I am heavily interested in not with what you can get, but what you can keep and how you go about maintaining what you've *got*.

Confidence and Courage. When you reach that point of letting go of petty drama, tension, recognizing and conquering your inner demons, etc. that you feel within yourself and with everyone around you. You stop being so angry with the world (at least less frequently), because you have the confidence to exist in it, to believe you can make a change somehow (if you really care to)- and a lot of people have their own ways of giving back- with what makes you uncomfortable. It means being able to go out and have a good time, regardless of who is there and what the location and environment are like. You truly appreciate and understand "unfamiliar territory." You really get what they mean when they say, "be the change you want to see."

It means you speak your mind freely but also being acutely aware of having tact, regardless of what people may think. You also realize how much your efforts to be tactful can be limiting to your inner freedom, not to mention how fake it can make you seem. You stop trying to impress people you probably don't know very well anyway.

You have the balls to admit when you feel stuck, and the balls to admit when you're emotional. You are honest with yourself and you try to reflect that onto others. You show the world you're unafraid of who and what you are at that given moment in time, but you have the wisdom to know that that can change in as little as 24 hours. You see your flaws, and you choose to either embrace them or work on changing them. For example, I had no problem admitting my past in becoming a 5 year old when dealing with my family (that includes boyfriend), but that has changed over recent years... and very significantly over these past few months. I realized I was trying to change the people in my family and being frustrated with who they were because their perspectives heavily conflicted with mine. However, I had to free myself of this and appreciate that I had a family- I started to tell myself fighting with them and having an attitude was not going to do anyone any good- they weren't going to change their beliefs. I could only do so much, but I no longer want to overexert myself which usually ends up in resentment. A funny thing happened, though- I also started to see how they were changing too. I realized, the hard way, that people DO change, people DO grow up... even our parents, who are over 50 years old. And this is only ONE example, this has happened for me with friends and strangers, too. Let it also be noted that it could've just been me growing up and seeing things and people for how/who they truly are and accepting it.

I have always, always, always been a heavy advocate for understanding the importance of being able to control yourself but not others. People are the way they are- and please do your best not to judge them- because everyone has their own story. As much as you think you know someone, you really don't- you don't know what goes on in their life behind closed doors... you may think I'm saying something really obvious but you'd be surprised just how many of you exude knowledge and behaviors that seem to go against this very obvious fact. Take a good look at yourself in the mirror. Accept it if you're an asshole to others because you make them feel like they can't be themselves around you. Chances are, you have no clue how shitty you make people feel. God, I hope those of you with this problem can recognize it. Swallow your pride, but just enough to be in sync with what kind of person you see yourself as. What and who you see yourself as and try so hard to fit that persona may be far off from what and who you really are to the world.

Growing up means you have the courage and knowledge to know that having a mirror held up to you by many different people- regardless of how long you've known them or how well you've known them and they you- isn't always a bad thing. You learn to see yourself in other, varying perspectives. Don't be afraid of this. Ask yourself when the last time you've accepted someone else's opinion of you was, ask yourself if you've even truly asked people what they thought of you. Ask yourself if these people have shut down their thoughts of you because they probably don't want to deal with your lashing and ridiculously high defenses. You also learn to see what types of people really understand you and which are "delusional" compared to your reality. We all have our own reality, we're all truly and significantly different in this aspect- get over it. You can only ignore the truth so much. And if you can't... you might not see it, ever, which I think is extremely unfortunate, but people you care about might leave you, get sick of you, whatever the case may be.

I know some of you have asked me personally what I thought of you, and with that you gained tons of brownie points with me ;) because I thought it was extremely brave and honorable. I was also beyond happy and honored to be asked.

Persistence. One of the few conditioning mantras that they use on us as kids that I agree with is, "do your best and don't give up." Of course, there's a lot more to it and I hope that most of us know by now that everything comes with a price (mentally, a lot of the time, I'm not talking about physical costs). But stop comparing yourself to other people, stop comparing yourself to other people's expectations of you. Are your expectations for yourself REALLY yours? How many of you see yourself "getting the fuck out of here" but are too comfortable to put it into execution? Do you start building defenses and excuses for yourself so that other people don't underestimate you? And so that you feel better about your situation that you never feel like it's changing? Newsflash, I see right through that bullshit. It was cute back in our High School and recent post-High School days, but these days, if you're still complaining and constantly self-pitying... people are going to start to view you as stuck and immature. I'm not saying you should care about what other people should think- however I know a lot of you do, but will never admit it because it's "taboo." Please. Give me a break. Save it for someone else who will fall for it. If you didn't care so much, you wouldn't be so defensive- to the point of making others nervous and/or having an attitude or condescending tone- about your views and opinions.

So be persistent... if you have a dream, find ways to achieve it or to fit even some of it into your life somehow. For instance, I love Art (acting and drawing/painting), and I have not done a lot of acting or drawing in a long time, but I am finding ways to implement it into my life so that I don't lose sight of what I'm passionate about. My ultimate dream? Fame... but in the way that it inspires people, to be so well-known that my voice and my take on life can be widely heard. To have the kind of Art that will last long after my body is physically done with this Earth. Financially? Yeah, it'd be nice to have money that I don't have to think about traveling the world and worrying about costs of flights and lodging. Most importantly, I'd like to have money to have the best Healthcare for my family and Damian. I'd like to buy things that'll make my family (that includes future Husband and kids) breathe easier. For now, I work with what I can. And currently? It caught up with my job, something I hate, but accept that I needed the money. Baby steps, but I've never felt more free. And I don't really complain or talk about work seriously, because we all have to do it. You're not any better than me because of what you do. In fact, you're probably below me because you allow yourself to be stuck there and you allow yourself to hate yourself and your life because of work. You CHOOSE to have your entire life revolve around work- some people are perfectly happy doing this, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I have to constantly remind certain readers that I'm talking about the unhappy souls- so don't sit on your high horse because you CHOOSE not to have time for a social life, your hobbies, your loved ones. If you choose it, I completely respect that and will not judge you (because apparently you know your body best) UNLESS you act like you're above everyone else for these decisions.

Growing Up means not having to constantly beg for attention to your "good deeds" and all the pain you've experienced. I'm going to talk about it now in the attempt to get my point across: Not many people know about the things I've had to go through, but that's because I don't find it necessary to let everyone know how I'm above them JUST because I've experienced and have seen others go through excruciating pain. And those who take my overly inflated ego seriously, you have some issues to sort out. I'm comfortable with the way I am, and I've gone through enough to know I'm not delusional about it, either. Anyway, I don't use my "pain" as an excuse to be a dick. I'm a dick because I want to be or feel the need to be. And a lot of people will tell you, I'm really not a dick. I just like dick, but that's besides the point ;)

Patience. Woop-de-doo, it's an hour past your bedtime. Big deal, you missed the train, lost your ID, can't find your keys... breathe, a lot of things can be recovered. It's an inconvenience, maybe, but you don't have to freak out and start cursing and making everyone around you uncomfortable because you think it's the end of the world. You don't have to insult other people in your insane frenzy. Sure, I have my moments of saying one or two "oh fuck!'s," but if any of you really paid attention, you'd see I'm extremely laid back about these things. I especially don't feel the need to insult anyone if they're trying to be kind, helpful and calming. I know there's always ways around something, and I know I can't change what has already happened. I move forward. Cognitive thinking. If you know your room is a mess, EXPECT not being able to find your credit card when you know you've dropped it somewhere in the abyss of clothes, bills, rolling papers, whatever your mess is. Seriously, calm the fuck down before I shove marijuana cookies down your throat.

Growing up is knowing EXACTLY what having an open mind is. A lot of you spout that you're SO non-judgmental and SO open-minded... but you're REALLY not. You don't accept how people are and you automatically assume you know what intelligence looks like so when you meet people who don't seem to fit your misguided criteria, you put them in this box titled, "not to be taken seriously." God, listen to people, all types of people. Crackheads, even. You never know what you're going to learn. Just because someone doesn't speak proper english doesn't make them an idiot, some of them have more insight than you ever will. I find a lot of people like to use the word "weird" in a serious context when in fact, the things and people they define as weird aren't weird at all. What the fuck makes them so "weird?" I'm sorry if you're society and media's puppet and other people don't choose to live that way. I'm very sorry you're so proud of being "normal," you boring-ass life-form. (If you're happy being boring, embrace it and hold your head high... but god, don't act like you're more interesting than you really are. Do something about it if you really hope to be interesting... and that's not to say everyone isn't interesting in their own way- but let's be real here, a lot of people are much more interesting than others). I'm also sorry I just got carried away with my own anger with the world. But seriously, how many people do you connect with outside of your comfort zone? How many people do you seriously talk to regardless of what they seem to look like? Judgmental fools. We're too old for that, come on now.

And how many of you are feeling offended by this? I think you have some growing up to do. Because you still don't know me very well, regardless of how long we've been in each other's lives. I've met people I felt more connected to within a month than those I've known all my life. If you want to use time as an argument- why do so many of you insist your parents don't know who you are when technically, they are the people who've known you the very longest?

Self-righteous crap. Get over yourself. Need I say more?

Growing up means you know how to include yourself without being annoying. Don't expect people to constantly invite you out. Have the balls to ask to hang out. "inviting yourself," a concept so overrated and avoided, ends up in feelings of inadequacy, anger, feeling left-out, the list goes on. Some people don't know how to invite other people out, so sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands. Also, try to be aware of if you're truly imposing on plans. If I invite you out to something I have planned with someone else or a group of people, obviously you are not imposing. I will never invite you out if the event is only for specific bonding between specific people. I know a lot of people will invite other out as a result of guilt... but that's not real to me and therefore WILL have these people feel like they're imposing. Personally speaking, I have made the decision that if I invite you out, it's because I want to see you and/or I feel you would have a good time. And if I feel like you're inviting me out because of obligation or guilt, I will ask if I'm imposing, because I know you don't work like me. Normally, I don't have this problem though *brushes shoulders off*. Don't dance around wanting to be invited out, just freaking ask me. You have nothing to be afraid of. The worst that can happen is me telling you that we have to hang out some other time. Not a big deal.

I found that in my travels (haha, I'm corny, can't help it), people who are truly confident and mature never feel threatened by anything I say or do. They are confident in telling me with what they disagree with, but not in a condescending or closed-off way... they are open to having their beliefs changed, etc. etc. and vice versa. It's more of a mutual respect and acceptance. You could never fully understand until you are this way. I'm sorry to say, if you don't get it, you don't get it. This is one thing I have no problem saying that if you disagree and/or feel angry, then sort it out with yourself... because I really don't care. I can only help you so much and if you're seriously open enough to accept help, but otherwise, I'm not concerned with your views on me and how I live my life. I'm confident and acutely aware enough to know exactly who I am at this point (emphasis on, "at this point"). And I know I'm not delusional because I've been extremely sensitive to what others have said about me but now I know which comments to take into consideration and which I just have to discard because I deeply feel it's not accurate. This is a skill a lot of you need to understand you do not have, but can acquire if you'd stop being so pig-headed. I have the wisdom to know that everything can change, and the experience to know that there is just SO. MUCH. MORE. TO. LEARN.- about me, about why I'm here, about who I meet, about every single thing that grazes my five senses. I have the sixth sense to be at peace, ultimately.

Have fun. Be human. Let out your inner child, he/she has not left with age. Let him/her come out to play sometimes. Laugh at stupid jokes, racist jokes, be clumsy, irresponsible, unhealthy, dirty... come on, even the FCC allow these things in the media... sometimes. But my point is, live a little. Say outrageous things. Fart. Poop. There's always SOMEBODY who's going to be offended or hurt... but like, whatever dude. I'm not saying just go out and be an asshole and tell people they're gross to their face (unless you really want to, just be prepared to deal with the consequences... oh, consequences, they're not as bad as some of you think), but there's a fine line between just having a laugh and damaging someone's confidence... although I believe mature people wouldn't allow themselves to be damaged too much. Know this line, all of the humorous souls in this world, especially comedians, understand this line but they're not going to censor themselves for the rest of their lives. Have fun and let loose- this means "looking stupid"- you'll see that you really don't look that stupid.


The most important lesson in growing up, I passionately believe, is to believe in Love. Another mantra I was told as a kid, "Love is out there, and it's powerful" and "Love conquers all," is something I have found- the hard way- to be extremely true. I've had my heart torn out, I've been stepped on, I've had times where I didn't think Love was real. Even through the short time that I believed Love was out of my grasp, I never fully believed that Love didn't exist for me. But I had my eyes opened- I'm so very blessed for this ability- to what love is. I'm not talking about in only the romantic kind, either. Love is something nobody can explain, but if you allow yourself, you will see it and feel it. And it will set you freen (Come to think of it, this will be the main focus of another blog for another day).

There are beautiful, beautiful people out there, regardless of their background, views, history, what have you. They love with all of their heart. They receive love openly, some with a lot of caution, understandably, but they still let out and in. Love for yourself, they weren't kidding, is crucial; boy, this is the most difficult thing to accomplish for anyone. But I believe it goes hand-in-hand with growing up and maturity. Sure, pain exists, but the cliche is true- without pain, there's no realization of Love and beauty. You figure out how to forgive those who have hurt you, even if takes you years... but because you understand life and people are always flowing and changing, you figure which people to truly forgive. You have an open mind about their ability to be a "better person" when you think they're a shitty person for hurting you. You really sit down and think about how forgiving others will allow you to forgive yourself.

You begin to accept that some losses, great and small, are inevitable. But with the continuing force and power of Love, you move on. I've noticed this is the ultimate cure for getting over death. Death is something that is just as powerful as Love and living life, but I believe tragedy, in most cases, bring out true love. I'm not going to get into that further, but I am confident most of you know exactly what I'm trying to say.

Care to Dance?

For a lot longer than I'd like to welcome, I've been sitting out from the most important dance floor- my own blog, where I can frolic around freely. Do I want to show all of my moves? Do I want to make people laugh with some ridiculous choreography? Do I want to push and shove and piss people off? Do I still want to sit this one out- hoping someone will notice, not pass judgment, and ask me to dance? My mind swims in all sorts of directions, everyday. My emotions are rarely steady- so, what I'm "in the mood" for is always changing.

But today, I will finally get up, "dance," and see what and/or who gets up or stays with the wallflowers. In other words, I'm finally going to post a new blog and see what flows through my fingertips onto the keyboard. My song's playing, son!

This is how I live. I don't think many people truly understand who I am or why I do what I do, but I realize more and more that that's okay. I don't think I'm meant to be fully understood, since I'm always changing, always moving, always growing. However, I can't deny the irritation that comes with being misjudged or misunderstood, as it sometimes creates an annoying obstacle that shouldn't even be there. I mean, who has time for unnecessary curveballs? Sometimes, it's a homerun... sometimes, it's hit out of the field, never to be seen again. You can still score with the latter approach to living.

In my adolescence, I couldn't let anything go. For shit. Things that left me in a state of euphoria, drama that confused me, the undeniable pain from various sources- whatever it was, I couldn't let go. My past rooted me to the spot, so to speak. Those who have truly stayed close to me are probably the best witnesses to my personal change. Those who have come into my life recently, whose company I enjoy and would love to keep, probably only know this "new" me. In short, my college and post-college friends would never recognize the girl I was in High School. I don't even recognize her- and this is an extraordinary, wonderful thing.

The whole human change thing fascinates me. On the topic of relationships, you often hear that "you can't change someone." And then you hear about the people who DO "change" or have gotten someone to change. So what are we left to believe? Well, who cares? Why is it that people always look to other sources for their beliefs in the first place? Why do people bend over backwards for validation? I mean, we have theories on why, but seriously, what's the point anymore? For a long time, I've made my own reality. I took things into my own hands, experienced things for myself and learned that you could never have any right or wrong answer. When you actually step back, everyone is truly different. Hence the bipolar opinions on whether or not you can change someone. And what does changing someone really mean anyfuckingway? I once saw a quote that went something like this: "People don't change- they just become more of who they really are." I pondered this for a while, played with the idea and decided that for the most part, I agreed. The part of me that disagrees is due to the fact that some people apparently lose who they are with time. And I think this whole "Who you are" phenomenon alludes to how happy you are with what you're doing with your life. I mean, truly happy- your heart feels you're in the right place.

Now, how much does THAT SEEM to happen in cities like New York?

In an expensive city such as this and with the economy today (damn, I was hoping I didn't have to mention the "e" word), oftentimes people claim, "I don't know who I am anymore" because following some of their dreams would be deemed "risky" and sometimes "impossible" or "silly." So they take the safe route and sometimes become very successful with money, but realize it's just not making them happy. Don't get me wrong, I know this happens way too much with or without a stable economy, but it's more obvious now that everyone is practically living in fear. I must say, I don't think we should ever live with so much fear. Necessary precautions, maybe... but shit is always brought to another level. Unnecessary.

On the bright side, people are having a humble holiday season. Sadly nicknamed "Recessmas," Christmas this year is projected as something gloomy and dark JUST because the money isn't there for the big presents or lavish parties. I think it's a great time to have some real bonding time with the ones who don't care how much money you make, without the society produced idea of material things taking over Christmas. I realize that with all the things I scoff at and can be negative about, the Holiday Season was never one of them. I'm not sure why. This is one thing that I haven't let go of- that good ol' "holiday spirit." Maybe because it usually unifies most people under the wonderful excuse to finally be nice, happy, at peace, whatever feel-good moods. Who knows. It sure is a nice thing to have masses of people switch on the better part of them for a few weeks. What I'm saying is, people seem more genuine during the holidays. They think, "well if I can't say it during the holidays, when will I ever?" I don't know who or what gave birth to this condition, but I do know that I appreciate it. I like it. Honesty is my favorite, even when it's brutal.

Back to change. I know, I'm beginning to sound like Barack Obama. But you wanna know something? It irked the SHIT out of me how much he was promoting "change," and how it made everyone a follower of "change." Don't get me wrong, I know of all the good this has brought about and I support our new president, but I think it's utter bullshit when people are chanting "change," when they don't realize they're damn comfortable with no change at all, mostly in their personal lives. I'm talking about when someone says, "he/she changed," hand in hand with an unpleasant, judgmental tone. I'm talking about the people who won't open up their hearts to someone new, someone who's different from your usual circle of friends. I'm talking about those people who still can't bring about their own personal change because they're too scared and/or relying on somebody, anybody but themselves, to bring change to them. I'm talking about the people from your past who suddenly can't seem to walk further down the road with you- who can't seem to wrap their finger around the idea that you have on some new skin- who don't have faith in you because of past things you've done or said. Get over these grudges, guys! I don't want to contradict what I said earlier about people being different from one another because I understand some people want to stay comfortable forever. To each their own, man. It's just that I'm talking about the ones who constantly bitch, complain, sulk, judge others for going about their lives differently. These people, quite frankly, need not apply for any position in my life nor should they impose their pessimism on people who actually know what they're doing and are happy with it. Then again, they're comfortable doing so. Good for them. Just stay away from me.

It sucks when I meet people like this, because you can't really help who you meet. At least, I can't. I'm really not that big of a bitch that my bad moods sometimes suggest (friends who follow my facebook statuses, you know what I mean, haha). Therefore, I don't pick and choose who I meet and greet based on what they look like, their occupation, education background, income, blah blah blah. Also, I go out- everywhere. Can't avoid meeting people, right? Anyway, I can't seem to accept those people I meet who are so insecure that they think my being friendly is threatening. I'm chuckling out loud for this one. Maybe it's this whole misconception (ah, another misjudgment) that New Yorkers are cold, snobby, nasty, what have you. So when people learn that I'm actually a native, they think something must be wrong with me. Like, friendliness and hospitality can never be associated with NYC. I find so much amusement in making people feel uncomfortable when all I'm doing is being nice. I know what "annoyingly nice" is or what "over-talkative" is, but I can assure you, these people are special cases where they jump when you say "Hello, how are you?" You especially gotta love the ones who SWEAR you're in love with them because you're paying them some attention. Jesus Christ, eat some humble pie. Let me know how it tastes. While you're at it, take some classes on socializing. Eh, if you even want to :)

Oh, my FAVORITE are those who believe the happier you are, the DUMBER you are. Shed full of tools, they are. I found that a lot of people believe that being intelligent means you can't admit to listening to (or even just having fun with) a lot of mainstream music or movies or any popular media for that matter. They think intelligence means you have to hate or have a negative thing to say about EVERYTHING that falls into "the hype," (i.e. I think Harry Potter is a brilliant read, no matter how huge it is. On the other hand, fuck "Twilight"- from some very reliable sources I've heard it's quite brainless but nevertheless addicting, hence the hype but fuck the hype, damn it). They think people who party more than they do are dumber. They think the less friends you have, the bigger your brain is. They judge you on your social decisions, career choices, GPA, political views (according to their standards you're automatically stupid if you don't care for politics) etc. etc. Lord, help them gain some insight into some real human beings. My main reason for saying this is for the people who would never guess that I went through a pretty dark period, because they think that because I usually have a cheery disposition and an apparent easy-going/carefree perspective on things these days, that I don't know a thing about life.

God, nothing entertains me more than being underestimated. Some people let it get in the way, I take it along as fuel!

Just remember, we've all been CONDITIONED to think that the more money you make, the better person you are. WE'RE CONDITIONED to think that good person equals: the more famous your university is, what major you take on, or if you even choose to go to college, the way you act in public, all that structural rubbish. But it gets confusing! Aren't we CONDITIONED to accept people as they are? Most of us, anyway, are forced to look at everyone as an equal, right? THESE IDEAS CONTRADICT THEMSELVES. It's like, you have to accept everyone, but you shouldn't hang out with people who drop out of this and that. Listen, everyone's got a different reason for where they're at in life and I think it's bullshit when people pass such strong judgment.

Let me finally elaborate on what change has meant for me, personally. Self image, self esteem, fashion vs. sense of style, opinions, etc. have all changed for me since High School. Half- or maybe more than half- the girl who lived before she went into her 20's is like a vague memory only brought back to life in memories, around old friends reminiscing. Although... with so many things that are different it still might put my reputation (whatever that is) at risk. People thinking you've changed for the worst. If given the chance, I believe if you were to look really closely, I'm who I've always been, just more expressive and unapologetic about it.

What hasn't changed? My generous heart is still the same (trust me, to a fault). My laugh (unfortunate for some within earshot) is still strange, usually loud, but authentic; my sense of humor can never escape me. No matter what I say, I value human life and would like to help as much as I can so that it doesn't go to waste. I am the same girl who can bring powerful energy to your gatherings. I'm still the same, fun-loving, personable girl I was so many years ago.

So what's all this change stuff about? My heart's still on my sleeve, it seems, but I have full control on when to take it off. I'm probably at my heaviest weight I've ever been but I can't think of one time that I was happier and more comfortable in public than I am now. I missed out on some things in my teenage years (thankfully have been more than made up for in my 20's) because I used to be obsessed and terribly self-conscious to the point of being afraid to go out. These days I couldn't imagine staying home for more than 2 nights in a row because I get so antsy and bored. Maybe because I know how to carry myself better. Maybe it's the maturity and kindness of others I've encountered. Maybe I did the normal "growing up" thing and stopped caring about all that nonsense. Maybe because I actually like the way I look. Maybe because I am 15% ashamed of, 85% embracing of my shopaholic tendencies. That's another thing- my oh MY how my views on Fashion have altered. I probably didn't even know what it was when I was younger. Call it superficial, shallow, what have you. It's a big part of me today- my clothes, my accessories, whatever I have to look my best and feel my most fabulous. My sense of style has changed, but please don't think this means I'll turn my nose up at people who don't give a rat's ass about fashion. I know where they're coming from. I understand how ridiculous the industry looks to many, but I'm not going to sit here and lie about being a part of the many that have sheer appreciation for it and take it at least somewhat seriously. Also to be noted, with all due respect, I do not aspire to be Anna Wintour and I don't care if certain things are passe (Uggs will never leave my side in the winter time. Another change: Uggs disgusted me in H.S.) and I don't care for silly names like, "fashionista" (I cringe when people self-claim the title).

If I had anyone to thank for this, it'd be my education in Advertising (psychology, sociology, marketing, business- ultimately, understanding what different people like!), the stylish company I've been fortunately blessed with over the years, my girly-girl Mother (who takes obvious delight in the death of the tomboy once inhabiting her daughter), spending most of my time in Manhattan (need I say more), so on and so forth... it's all been a great big superficial blessing! Point is, take me shopping with you if you value that sort of opinion. (I will steer you away from that tacky shit like Guess, Juicy Couture, no-style Abercrombie, or things of that nature. See, this is what I mean... my views on these things will get me in trouble. Seriously though, if you're comfortable with what you spend your money on, who the fuck cares what I say?) Really though, I do like people for the most part and I don't mean to offend. Don't take it personal, because I'll probably have no idea what you're talking about anyway.

That's another thing. My memory sucks. I used to remember everything about everyone. I mean, everything. To me, the highest honor is getting permission (sometimes unnoticed) to pick another's brain, to be able to really know a person. (If I hadn't dabbled in the Arts, I would've majored in Psychology. True story). The details don't stick with me as well as they used to. This is probably good, because back then I remembered certain things so that I can be prepared for the knives aiming for my back. I suppose it was a defense mechanism. Now, I honestly don't remember a lot of the little things because I've learned that they're just that- little things. I take huge interest and genuine care in what you confide in me, but I'm more involved with getting things done in my life than always pausing for someone else's. Let's put it this way, I'm still Little Miss Therapist- happily- without getting too involved where it hinders getting things done in my own life. And I'm here to help you move along as well.

So, while some of your past thoughts of me are warm and positive (and still hopefully accurate), I have to shed light upon those who make it into a thing of inferiority. I guess it's weird when I hear, "little Candace has finally grown up" or something like that because it's as if, essentially, you were superior to me at one point, or still holding onto that idea. This next part is especially for you who barely know me and yet insist I'm somehow inferior. Take it from me, I've probably seen more than you have and have grown and matured faster than you have. I don't always have the time or money to look my greatest, but I probably have a better sense of style and understanding of fashion than you ever will. My eye and taste is one of my better qualities. I have full control and awareness of who I am, what I am, what I'm doing, how I'm behaving, even how I may appear to different kinds of people. So, you're right, if this is what you call "growing up" associated with Candace.

I've finally come to a blank. It's nice to have written again and getting these thoughts out. I guess it's a matter of really not caring what people think and yet admitting certain things that people think are affecting me in some way. In any case, thanks to everyone in my life, past and present, for the constant food for thought and helping me live my colorful life. Time goes so much quicker than I would have ever imagined.

Thanks for the dance.


And I danced all night. Slowing down, disappearing into the background for rest here and there, but never sitting out on the entire party. I knew better than that.

An Ode to Me, in the Flesh.

It's taken me a long time to come to terms with who I am and what I am about, simply because of the maintenance of an open mind. I do not always have the strongest opinions nor do I feel they are always superior to others'. I listen to countless point of views of countless human beings; and with that I mold my own reality and beliefs. Observing others' behaviors and their applications to living life only help me further assess my own. When I am passionate about something, however, it takes immense effort, if not impossible, to change my attitude about whatever that something is.

And thus I am proud to say, I finally know what it means to be true to myself. Rather, I have a better idea at what I've been doing that has been true to me or not. Most people who have met me have told me they admire me for my honesty and carefree attitude- and I'm sure there are some who are annoyed with it or simply try to find little factors to denounce that title of "realness." Positive or negative, I am who I am and only love myself more for it. I'm sick of recounting certain events in my head and thinking I did not act "appropriately" or coming close to regret about, which, again I have to say, I fully do not support. Regret and jealousy are what I deem to be two of the most wasted emotions and energies an individual can exert in life.

Furthermore, I am able to admit that I'm crazy. Now, depending on what your view is, I can be fundamentally crazy with an ability to control it, or I can be your normal woman with crazy tendencies. Whatever it is, I'm not going to sit here and try to assure people that I'm not crazy. Thanks to my dating experience for this revelation. No, maybe I'm not your typically crazy chick who blows up your phone when you are not even committed to me, I don't throw shit fits over people cancelling plans and I don't go out of my way trying to "compete" with other females. When it comes to the dating game, I've been quite laid-back about it, which probably aided my success in conquering my past dates. I was one of the very, very few, if not ONLY, female these guys have met that they couldn't call "crazy." I'd have to agree, once I learned what a crazy woman was in their eyes.

I think I'm "crazy" in that "I don't care who sees or hears me do this" kind of way, and that self-deprecating way. I say I'm crazy because I certainly have my days where something gets to me more than it should, causing me to become more emotional than rational at times. But, I digress... because at the end of it all, I still stand level headed and more than anything, work hard to bring back my focus.

I think people need to come to terms about how crazy they are and how silly it may look at times.

Some seem often frustrated with me because I appear to have a cool head on my shoulders and can function marvelously under pressure. With that, it's hard for me to tell people, "I think you're just being crazy about this." So where do I go? I post a new blog.

I used to revel in the fact that I had no enemies or haters. Then I realized there was nothing about me to really hate on. This was at a time when I was adolescent, inexperienced, awkward and shy. Once upon a time, yes it's true, Candace had inhibitions. When I started coming to my senses, I realized I did have enemies and "haters," in the form of friends. Some called themselves "best friends." It's truly liberating all the while saddening when you realize some relationships did not work out or cannot go any further because of jealousy. Jealous of WHAT, you ask? I can only guess it may have something to do with having more confidence than the biggest celebrity, letting go of insecurities faster than a pop star going to perform on stage. I realized I was losing respect for certain people because of their inability to accept that I was doing what they wish they could do. And dear lord I do not mean to come off cocky as I'm just trying to recount some of my experiences and my theories on the subjects because it genuinely disheartens me. Of course there are people who have good, legit reasons to dislike me... but I haven't met them and if they don't have the balls to tell me to my face, I consider them trivial and a waste of time. Not that I would really consider it a life-threatening issue if I knew about them either.

I grew up around people telling me what I was and how I should be. Now that I want to make it into a profession is an entirely different story. I am passionate about my aspirations to become a great actress, and I am no longer held back by my past. I only use it as fuel now... and that is, perhaps what annoys these people the most. I'd like to think I'm extremely likable and that I really still don't have any enemies right now, but I am always going to be prepared for those who have nothing better to do than to try to be an obstacle.

I accept that I'm still learning. I don't seriously claim to know everything but I try to shed light on most subjects because I'm a quick learner and I'm quite insightful and analytical when you yourself have an open mind and ears. I'm not afraid to act like the ditz of the group nor am I afraid to ask "stupid questions." I am unafraid of being exactly who I am at this point in my life and will not apologize for it- not wholeheartedly, anyway, if it comes down to it. I form first impressions and short-lived judgments. Beliefs come into play once I really know about something- enough to have a strong opinion about it. Meanwhile, let me live like a human being as I let you.

I have not been in a more stable place than I am right now. I think it's because I finally went back to my artistic roots. Those who know me at my strongest, know that ain't nobody or nothin' gettin in the way of what I want.

With this I urge, urge, URGE you to please try and be real to yourself and those around you... as much as you can. If you don't know something, say so. If you don't like something, say so. I have too many friends whom I noticed are followers. Stand up and be a leader, do something without thinking someone will see it. Do it for yourself... seriously. Start living, man.

Hallmark, Shmallmark

Best card I have ever received (and trust me, I have received some pretty awesometastic cards) is from my boyfriend and it's by "Coffeehouse."

[Front:]
Just before
you go
to bed
tonight,
look out
your window...
See that
one little star
shining down
just
for
you?

[Inside:]
Every time
it twinkles,
it's me
saying
I love you,
and
I miss you,
and I can't wait
until
You're Here
with
me
again.

*Melts* :) Thanks to my babe, and thank you Coffeehouse for making a great card that suits us so well. We have this strange but beautiful thing between us about the moon and stars.

I know my friend Kerri would absolutely love this :)

Anyway, that's all for now... I promise I'll blog something longer and not so directly related to my love life, soon.

Mazel Tov!

Oh and P.S. I am ecstatic. For practically the entire month I've been trying to make a very huge purchase and with that came a lot of stress, doubts, planning, etc. I want the world to know I thank my mother for her fierce bitch attitude because without her, this all would not have been possible and I would not have saved as much as I could've. I am ashamed to have doubted her from the beginning. I forget that she's been a bargain and business genius for most of her life. Times like this, I am not so afraid to "turn out like my mother." In fact, all of her good qualities I hope people see in me as well. Cheers to you, Mama!

P.P.S. Rest in Peace, Heath Ledger. The whole thing saddens me everytime I think about it. I was actually looking for the original version of "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You" by Frankie Valli today and came across the short clip of Ledger singing it in 10 Things I Hate About You, which is one of my favorite movies of all time and also the very first time I fell in love with Heath Ledger. I almost cried when I listened to it.

It was absolutely surreal; when, ironically, right at the end of my Advanced Acting class, one of my classmates received several texts from different people all reporting the actor's death. This was a few moments after they discovered the body in his SoHo apartment (eerie that I just passed that building recently). Tired, coffee & food-deprived and extremely out of it, I laughed and thought it was a joke. I then started to worry and was heart broken when I read it online. He was beautiful, had a wonderful singing voice and talented. It's really depressing thinking about it, but I hope the best for all of his loved ones.

Extracted thought: I hope that when I pass, it'll be a really huge deal.

2007 Absentee "Ballad"

If people were curious about yours truly, they'd know nothing and probably give up if they were to look for me through blogs in '07. I posted one rant on pop culture "and such," and before that a small tidbit about my love life at the end of '06... but that's about it. Oops!

I've spoken to quite a few people and it seems that the consensus on 2007 is that it was a "bad year." I agree with this because I feel I ignored the better half of me for most of the year (i.e. I took a long break from pushing myself harder as far as employment opportunities go, I did not go out and do things for myself as much as I could/should have, and I barely upgraded my closet!) On the other hand, I do not agree that it was all bad because I did one very, very important thing: I fell in love.

I fell in love towards the beginning of '07 and the rest of the year has been spent maintaining that love, growing and learning. Lots of learning. The man responsible for all of this moved in with me sometime towards the end of the winter season and from there, I gave up much of my life and interests creating a strong foundation for this very-much-worth-it new interest. Admittedly, there were some bumps that made me miss single life but I would not trade in one moment. You all know how I feel about regretting things- I simply don't believe in it!

And this brings us here. After my month long trip to Houston (which meant a month away from my hubby), I found myself again mostly with the help of my sister, my mom and most certainly, him. We would talk on the phone every night and something changed during those phone calls. I fell in love again. I fell for him, harder than ever... now that's a feeling I'm glad I endured a whole year of learning things the hard way... which, in retrospect, is probably the best way to learn about true love. At the risk of sounding like a complete sap and/or braggart, I must say I have the best catch in all of the cosmos.

Throughout everything, he has been determined to show me that he is what I've been searching for these past few years. I was one of those girls who gave myself a time frame- "Oh, I'll start really looking and actually find him when I'm at least 25." I was blown over when I found him a few years before my planning and I suppose that's why people tell you over and over again, "it'll happen when you least expect it." When I first met him, I was iffy about it. I thought he embodied nothing I was looking for in a potential mate- everything from my attraction to him down to his sense of humor. But we all know first impressions- especially over the phone- are rarely great at enforcing judgments. On November 5th, 2006, I agreed to letting him take me out and it must've been the stars (might I add, were pretty bright for a New York City winter night) and the full moon we had our first kiss under. Magic on West 4th street.

He has changed my life in so many ways that so many people can only imagine. I am grateful for his presence and above it all, I am so happy that I have someone to pine over when I'm not with him. I miss him every second he's not with me by my side and for once, I know there is at least one person who has me on his mind as his first priority. You have no idea how amazing it feels. It's been over a year, and his hugs and kisses still melt away the chaotic world I live in or the chaotic world my mind creates sometimes. I'm so happy to be starting another year with him and this time, I'm re-emerging to continue into fabulousness.

We have finally come to the understanding how important personal space is (I'm sure you know that's quite difficult when you live with the person) and how important our mere physical energies are to one another's daily grind. He is my very best friend, as most people nowadays don't do a great job at keeping my trust but I thank every single circumstance, good and bad, for bringing me closer to him. In the next couple of years, look out for an invitation to the coolest wedding ever! Haha :)

So, that's the update on where I was for 2007 and a little bit on where I'm headed for 2008... that's what this blog's been created for. Stay tuned!

Thanks for letting me share this with you :)

I love you, D.

Movement

Well folks, I finally made the transition from Xanga and Myspace blogging to what I feel is the "real deal." I suppose this will be a documentation of my life after the year 2007, and then some. The novelty of college life has worn off, the anticipation of going out into the "real world," grows.

Personally, I haven't written many, if not any, proper and entertaining entries since my pre-20's. In my opinion, everything I wrote about before then was pretty insightful, interesting and moving. Now I can't seem to put anything of that caliber onto the screen or even a piece of paper. I suppose I got bored of it or something... I don't know. I feel everything I write about now, someone else would have touched upon that topic. I read endless blogs of others and they all just seem the same. It becomes dull after a while.

Yet another reason I have not written because of the drama I did not feel like entertaining. However, I've been holding all too much inside, I'm getting too old to care- and damn it, I miss blogging!

Anyway, I've come to my senses and realized that if I wanted to write, who the hell cares who's reading it?! Like I just said, I miss blogging and it'll give me something extra to do. So I just wanted to pop the blogspot/blogger cherry with this entry, as well as revive my well overdue account. More thoughts coming up later. I welcome you all to my new blog!

Ciao!