I was presented- no, more like shoved into- some extremely difficult and mind-blowing situations this past Autumn. I took most of Winter, so far, to process everything and to start making what I feel are the best choices for a more desirable or highly preferred (by me, personally) outcome.
This is just what life is all about though. They ain't lyin' when they tell you life is really all a series of choices. And outcomes. And more choices and more outcomes, etc.
Surprising myself with the choice of doing a Detox is what I hope to be the first in a series of more positive outcomes and choices. Don't get me wrong, I'm usually one to be very content with my life, no matter how it looked in comparison to others. But I wasn't ecstatic about it, I wasn't crazy about it. I want to be crazy about my life again and I want to try something different. I get bored easily with life and usually the "normal" and "good" things cloud my real passion and excitement for it. I felt like I was submitting to be like everyone else, like society's puppet of some sort... and I mean, I wasn't completely adverse to living life with a little more "normalcy," but I knew I still needed to maintain a good, healthy level of "craziness" to keep me happy. This detox is a challenge and is something completely unfamiliar to me- but that's just it. That's one of the main reasons I'm doing it, other than how it apparently benefits your mental and physical health.
I get turned on by "different," as if you couldn't already tell. I mean, I pride myself on being one of the "crazy" people. You get the gist. I know what "Master Cleansing" looks like to some, but I dunno... I still pride myself on doing things that I'm into, no matter what others think.
Honestly, I'm so very excited about this. I feel like I have an endless mountain of things I've never finished- so this is a pretty big deal. I'm determined to finally accomplish something that wasn't given to me by our society (i.e. school, a job). Things that are just for me, kind of like new crayons for me to keep coloring my life. At least I feel like I'm one of the few people who have the whole "how to be happy in life" thing figured out. Now you see why I just don't think material and academic success being crucial factors towards true happiness- why I sometimes just don't believe in the academic system at all these days? You'll hear me be the first one to tell you that your Harvard-educated child might be one of the dumbest people I've ever met.
Anyway, I fell into somewhat of a depression from the aforementioned situations for two months. At the beginning of everything, I was at a place where I was on overload. I was extremely overwhelmed. I was at the peak of my strength and from there, somewhat plummeted downward. In other words, I didn't know how to deal with everything, I was sick of over-analyzing and over-thinking... so I took the easy way out and used more cigarettes as a vice. I used marijuana to calm my thoughts, to help me sleep and some days, to just drown out the entire day until I could fall asleep for the next one. I drank more than usual when I went out. I ate too much, I didn't exercise, I didn't really do much of anything. I was aware of what I was doing to myself, and I knew it would take some time before I picked myself back up. This is what I found to be extremely common and normal of everyone. Usually, I find that most people let themselves fall for a bit, let themselves be miserable and/or fall into their bad habits before taking charge again.
For a month, my boyfriend and I marked the calendar for January 19th- the start of our cleansing. And for the record, surprise surprise!- It was me who suggested the Cleanse way back in November, before he came back from the West Coast. When I went snowtubing this past Sunday, I was running on only a few hours of sleep. We got up at 6AM to drive to the mountain. After spending a day in the snow, driving down the mountain to go home in the middle of a blizzard up there, having dinner at a rest stop- I was sure I was going to crash as soon as I got home. Nope. I was up until 7 in the morning (25 hours total), over-thinking, going completely insane by myself as the world slept. My bf only had 40 minutes of sleep the night before, so he was completely out and I didn't want to wake him to have him deal with my neurosis. The darling was upset with me for that though, and made me promise to wake him up next time. I don't know, but during those torturous few hours of being awake, I just felt completely lost and alone. And it was because I didn't want to make better choices about dealing with some things that were eating away at me. I wanted to keep my mouth shut and keep handling it the way I have been- being passive aggressive or just attempting passivity in general. This is not in my true nature. I am expressive and impatient with conflict. If I can't talk about something, I become very irritated and it builds up. I only got 5 hours of rest after that and woke up around noon. This was all yesterday morning.
When I got up, I knew it was going to be the pre-Cleanse day, where we were only eating raw food. Ideally, we would have done it for several days before going into it. The good news? I confronted some of the major issues that were swimming around in my brain just a few hours prior. I discovered truth- and that's all I really aim for in life. Truth.
Of course, I have moments where I question the truth. It's important to me where the "truth" comes from, who it comes from, how it comes, etc. etc., the list goes on. Did I mention my mind is a lot more complicated than I could EVER show? For example, sometimes I'm not the most articulate person or I'll act immaturely about something. Some "intellectuals" probably find me stupid when in reality, my mind can handle, process and absorb more than these people ever could. I'm just bad with reiteration and articulating and organizing my thoughts- which, believe me, is the most frustrating thing to me. I think extremely highly of my mind, I believe it to be extraordinary and beautiful. I just think that if I applied myself more, I'd be a great success right now. The most annoying thing about this is my desire to share my discoveries with the world, to share my theories among the "intellectuals," but I just don't know how to. I'm not particularly worried about it though, as I know it's just another process I have to go through to find an answer.
God I really want some cheese right now. And a cigarette. Most of ALL, I want weed for this awful headache! Alas, no... definitely can't. And won't.
Anyway, so some light was shed on some situations that kept me up so long... and it's just all very interesting to me. Well, one of the things I've been dealing with has turned out to be very interesting, enlightening, somewhat disappointing but fortunate all at once. It was disappointing to find that someone I thought highly of upon first impression turned out to be a bit delusional. At least after gathering enough information from the necessary sources. It just made me sad for that person, really. I'm also angry because I feel completely disrespected, even though it was ME who initiated everything regarding the "quest" for the truth. And this person is just sitting there, being praised by everyone else- I swear this validation bullshit has most people so utterly misguided. Even now, I'm not sure if I should say anything or not, for fear of upsetting people I really do respect and care about.
But I do wish to say this to that person: His side of the story completely convinced me of what kind of person you are, on top of my own reservations about you. You put up a good front and I'm not even sure you're aware of your own front. You claim to have all these great qualities and yet they are not reflected in your actions. You write beautifully, convincingly... just not enough for someone like me. I re-read your emails and messages constantly in the short time we were interacting to find out why I felt somewhat slighted even though there were laughs and good intentions exchanged at the time. It's obvious you disapprove of me still, it's obvious you will not believe that we know exactly what we're doing. I don't understand it. Someone with so much Love and who claims to know so much about it, doesn't believe in couples who "beat the odds?" I mean, maybe I'm being harsh and not realizing it (I'm sorry, I come from a place that made me brutally honest)... and I understand there is a definite bias... but to disrespect us in the subtle ways that you have, I'm not sure how I feel about that. What I really want to say is, give it up. Your reality turned out to be more than it really is and was. If everyone involved in this matter has been completely honest, then this is what I think of you. I'm disappointed because I had so much love for you. For someone supposedly so loving and open-minded, you turned out to be very judgmental. I don't know though, I wish I was allowed to cut straight to the source... *Sighs* Oh well.
Different realities for everyone, I've always had to accept this whenever I witnessed or experienced a clashing of people's realities. But then there's just truth, or whatever it is that will remain constant, despite of varying perspectives. And I have several, constant foundations that confirm my advanced place on the path we all share as human beings.
I have a headache from being very hungry, so I'm losing my train of thought. I'm attempting to write every single day of this Detox, so we'll see where I'm at later on or tomorrow with everything. I wanted to keep a public log of this, kind of like an experiment for myself and for my readers.
I love this kind of shit, maannn :)
