Care to Dance?

For a lot longer than I'd like to welcome, I've been sitting out from the most important dance floor- my own blog, where I can frolic around freely. Do I want to show all of my moves? Do I want to make people laugh with some ridiculous choreography? Do I want to push and shove and piss people off? Do I still want to sit this one out- hoping someone will notice, not pass judgment, and ask me to dance? My mind swims in all sorts of directions, everyday. My emotions are rarely steady- so, what I'm "in the mood" for is always changing.

But today, I will finally get up, "dance," and see what and/or who gets up or stays with the wallflowers. In other words, I'm finally going to post a new blog and see what flows through my fingertips onto the keyboard. My song's playing, son!

This is how I live. I don't think many people truly understand who I am or why I do what I do, but I realize more and more that that's okay. I don't think I'm meant to be fully understood, since I'm always changing, always moving, always growing. However, I can't deny the irritation that comes with being misjudged or misunderstood, as it sometimes creates an annoying obstacle that shouldn't even be there. I mean, who has time for unnecessary curveballs? Sometimes, it's a homerun... sometimes, it's hit out of the field, never to be seen again. You can still score with the latter approach to living.

In my adolescence, I couldn't let anything go. For shit. Things that left me in a state of euphoria, drama that confused me, the undeniable pain from various sources- whatever it was, I couldn't let go. My past rooted me to the spot, so to speak. Those who have truly stayed close to me are probably the best witnesses to my personal change. Those who have come into my life recently, whose company I enjoy and would love to keep, probably only know this "new" me. In short, my college and post-college friends would never recognize the girl I was in High School. I don't even recognize her- and this is an extraordinary, wonderful thing.

The whole human change thing fascinates me. On the topic of relationships, you often hear that "you can't change someone." And then you hear about the people who DO "change" or have gotten someone to change. So what are we left to believe? Well, who cares? Why is it that people always look to other sources for their beliefs in the first place? Why do people bend over backwards for validation? I mean, we have theories on why, but seriously, what's the point anymore? For a long time, I've made my own reality. I took things into my own hands, experienced things for myself and learned that you could never have any right or wrong answer. When you actually step back, everyone is truly different. Hence the bipolar opinions on whether or not you can change someone. And what does changing someone really mean anyfuckingway? I once saw a quote that went something like this: "People don't change- they just become more of who they really are." I pondered this for a while, played with the idea and decided that for the most part, I agreed. The part of me that disagrees is due to the fact that some people apparently lose who they are with time. And I think this whole "Who you are" phenomenon alludes to how happy you are with what you're doing with your life. I mean, truly happy- your heart feels you're in the right place.

Now, how much does THAT SEEM to happen in cities like New York?

In an expensive city such as this and with the economy today (damn, I was hoping I didn't have to mention the "e" word), oftentimes people claim, "I don't know who I am anymore" because following some of their dreams would be deemed "risky" and sometimes "impossible" or "silly." So they take the safe route and sometimes become very successful with money, but realize it's just not making them happy. Don't get me wrong, I know this happens way too much with or without a stable economy, but it's more obvious now that everyone is practically living in fear. I must say, I don't think we should ever live with so much fear. Necessary precautions, maybe... but shit is always brought to another level. Unnecessary.

On the bright side, people are having a humble holiday season. Sadly nicknamed "Recessmas," Christmas this year is projected as something gloomy and dark JUST because the money isn't there for the big presents or lavish parties. I think it's a great time to have some real bonding time with the ones who don't care how much money you make, without the society produced idea of material things taking over Christmas. I realize that with all the things I scoff at and can be negative about, the Holiday Season was never one of them. I'm not sure why. This is one thing that I haven't let go of- that good ol' "holiday spirit." Maybe because it usually unifies most people under the wonderful excuse to finally be nice, happy, at peace, whatever feel-good moods. Who knows. It sure is a nice thing to have masses of people switch on the better part of them for a few weeks. What I'm saying is, people seem more genuine during the holidays. They think, "well if I can't say it during the holidays, when will I ever?" I don't know who or what gave birth to this condition, but I do know that I appreciate it. I like it. Honesty is my favorite, even when it's brutal.

Back to change. I know, I'm beginning to sound like Barack Obama. But you wanna know something? It irked the SHIT out of me how much he was promoting "change," and how it made everyone a follower of "change." Don't get me wrong, I know of all the good this has brought about and I support our new president, but I think it's utter bullshit when people are chanting "change," when they don't realize they're damn comfortable with no change at all, mostly in their personal lives. I'm talking about when someone says, "he/she changed," hand in hand with an unpleasant, judgmental tone. I'm talking about the people who won't open up their hearts to someone new, someone who's different from your usual circle of friends. I'm talking about those people who still can't bring about their own personal change because they're too scared and/or relying on somebody, anybody but themselves, to bring change to them. I'm talking about the people from your past who suddenly can't seem to walk further down the road with you- who can't seem to wrap their finger around the idea that you have on some new skin- who don't have faith in you because of past things you've done or said. Get over these grudges, guys! I don't want to contradict what I said earlier about people being different from one another because I understand some people want to stay comfortable forever. To each their own, man. It's just that I'm talking about the ones who constantly bitch, complain, sulk, judge others for going about their lives differently. These people, quite frankly, need not apply for any position in my life nor should they impose their pessimism on people who actually know what they're doing and are happy with it. Then again, they're comfortable doing so. Good for them. Just stay away from me.

It sucks when I meet people like this, because you can't really help who you meet. At least, I can't. I'm really not that big of a bitch that my bad moods sometimes suggest (friends who follow my facebook statuses, you know what I mean, haha). Therefore, I don't pick and choose who I meet and greet based on what they look like, their occupation, education background, income, blah blah blah. Also, I go out- everywhere. Can't avoid meeting people, right? Anyway, I can't seem to accept those people I meet who are so insecure that they think my being friendly is threatening. I'm chuckling out loud for this one. Maybe it's this whole misconception (ah, another misjudgment) that New Yorkers are cold, snobby, nasty, what have you. So when people learn that I'm actually a native, they think something must be wrong with me. Like, friendliness and hospitality can never be associated with NYC. I find so much amusement in making people feel uncomfortable when all I'm doing is being nice. I know what "annoyingly nice" is or what "over-talkative" is, but I can assure you, these people are special cases where they jump when you say "Hello, how are you?" You especially gotta love the ones who SWEAR you're in love with them because you're paying them some attention. Jesus Christ, eat some humble pie. Let me know how it tastes. While you're at it, take some classes on socializing. Eh, if you even want to :)

Oh, my FAVORITE are those who believe the happier you are, the DUMBER you are. Shed full of tools, they are. I found that a lot of people believe that being intelligent means you can't admit to listening to (or even just having fun with) a lot of mainstream music or movies or any popular media for that matter. They think intelligence means you have to hate or have a negative thing to say about EVERYTHING that falls into "the hype," (i.e. I think Harry Potter is a brilliant read, no matter how huge it is. On the other hand, fuck "Twilight"- from some very reliable sources I've heard it's quite brainless but nevertheless addicting, hence the hype but fuck the hype, damn it). They think people who party more than they do are dumber. They think the less friends you have, the bigger your brain is. They judge you on your social decisions, career choices, GPA, political views (according to their standards you're automatically stupid if you don't care for politics) etc. etc. Lord, help them gain some insight into some real human beings. My main reason for saying this is for the people who would never guess that I went through a pretty dark period, because they think that because I usually have a cheery disposition and an apparent easy-going/carefree perspective on things these days, that I don't know a thing about life.

God, nothing entertains me more than being underestimated. Some people let it get in the way, I take it along as fuel!

Just remember, we've all been CONDITIONED to think that the more money you make, the better person you are. WE'RE CONDITIONED to think that good person equals: the more famous your university is, what major you take on, or if you even choose to go to college, the way you act in public, all that structural rubbish. But it gets confusing! Aren't we CONDITIONED to accept people as they are? Most of us, anyway, are forced to look at everyone as an equal, right? THESE IDEAS CONTRADICT THEMSELVES. It's like, you have to accept everyone, but you shouldn't hang out with people who drop out of this and that. Listen, everyone's got a different reason for where they're at in life and I think it's bullshit when people pass such strong judgment.

Let me finally elaborate on what change has meant for me, personally. Self image, self esteem, fashion vs. sense of style, opinions, etc. have all changed for me since High School. Half- or maybe more than half- the girl who lived before she went into her 20's is like a vague memory only brought back to life in memories, around old friends reminiscing. Although... with so many things that are different it still might put my reputation (whatever that is) at risk. People thinking you've changed for the worst. If given the chance, I believe if you were to look really closely, I'm who I've always been, just more expressive and unapologetic about it.

What hasn't changed? My generous heart is still the same (trust me, to a fault). My laugh (unfortunate for some within earshot) is still strange, usually loud, but authentic; my sense of humor can never escape me. No matter what I say, I value human life and would like to help as much as I can so that it doesn't go to waste. I am the same girl who can bring powerful energy to your gatherings. I'm still the same, fun-loving, personable girl I was so many years ago.

So what's all this change stuff about? My heart's still on my sleeve, it seems, but I have full control on when to take it off. I'm probably at my heaviest weight I've ever been but I can't think of one time that I was happier and more comfortable in public than I am now. I missed out on some things in my teenage years (thankfully have been more than made up for in my 20's) because I used to be obsessed and terribly self-conscious to the point of being afraid to go out. These days I couldn't imagine staying home for more than 2 nights in a row because I get so antsy and bored. Maybe because I know how to carry myself better. Maybe it's the maturity and kindness of others I've encountered. Maybe I did the normal "growing up" thing and stopped caring about all that nonsense. Maybe because I actually like the way I look. Maybe because I am 15% ashamed of, 85% embracing of my shopaholic tendencies. That's another thing- my oh MY how my views on Fashion have altered. I probably didn't even know what it was when I was younger. Call it superficial, shallow, what have you. It's a big part of me today- my clothes, my accessories, whatever I have to look my best and feel my most fabulous. My sense of style has changed, but please don't think this means I'll turn my nose up at people who don't give a rat's ass about fashion. I know where they're coming from. I understand how ridiculous the industry looks to many, but I'm not going to sit here and lie about being a part of the many that have sheer appreciation for it and take it at least somewhat seriously. Also to be noted, with all due respect, I do not aspire to be Anna Wintour and I don't care if certain things are passe (Uggs will never leave my side in the winter time. Another change: Uggs disgusted me in H.S.) and I don't care for silly names like, "fashionista" (I cringe when people self-claim the title).

If I had anyone to thank for this, it'd be my education in Advertising (psychology, sociology, marketing, business- ultimately, understanding what different people like!), the stylish company I've been fortunately blessed with over the years, my girly-girl Mother (who takes obvious delight in the death of the tomboy once inhabiting her daughter), spending most of my time in Manhattan (need I say more), so on and so forth... it's all been a great big superficial blessing! Point is, take me shopping with you if you value that sort of opinion. (I will steer you away from that tacky shit like Guess, Juicy Couture, no-style Abercrombie, or things of that nature. See, this is what I mean... my views on these things will get me in trouble. Seriously though, if you're comfortable with what you spend your money on, who the fuck cares what I say?) Really though, I do like people for the most part and I don't mean to offend. Don't take it personal, because I'll probably have no idea what you're talking about anyway.

That's another thing. My memory sucks. I used to remember everything about everyone. I mean, everything. To me, the highest honor is getting permission (sometimes unnoticed) to pick another's brain, to be able to really know a person. (If I hadn't dabbled in the Arts, I would've majored in Psychology. True story). The details don't stick with me as well as they used to. This is probably good, because back then I remembered certain things so that I can be prepared for the knives aiming for my back. I suppose it was a defense mechanism. Now, I honestly don't remember a lot of the little things because I've learned that they're just that- little things. I take huge interest and genuine care in what you confide in me, but I'm more involved with getting things done in my life than always pausing for someone else's. Let's put it this way, I'm still Little Miss Therapist- happily- without getting too involved where it hinders getting things done in my own life. And I'm here to help you move along as well.

So, while some of your past thoughts of me are warm and positive (and still hopefully accurate), I have to shed light upon those who make it into a thing of inferiority. I guess it's weird when I hear, "little Candace has finally grown up" or something like that because it's as if, essentially, you were superior to me at one point, or still holding onto that idea. This next part is especially for you who barely know me and yet insist I'm somehow inferior. Take it from me, I've probably seen more than you have and have grown and matured faster than you have. I don't always have the time or money to look my greatest, but I probably have a better sense of style and understanding of fashion than you ever will. My eye and taste is one of my better qualities. I have full control and awareness of who I am, what I am, what I'm doing, how I'm behaving, even how I may appear to different kinds of people. So, you're right, if this is what you call "growing up" associated with Candace.

I've finally come to a blank. It's nice to have written again and getting these thoughts out. I guess it's a matter of really not caring what people think and yet admitting certain things that people think are affecting me in some way. In any case, thanks to everyone in my life, past and present, for the constant food for thought and helping me live my colorful life. Time goes so much quicker than I would have ever imagined.

Thanks for the dance.


And I danced all night. Slowing down, disappearing into the background for rest here and there, but never sitting out on the entire party. I knew better than that.