Growed-Up

I've been observing and thinking a lot about what "growing up" really means. I'd like to share what it means for me personally, especially since I believe that even though I'm only 24 years old, I feel like I have lived for 50. You don't have to agree, but the people who really and truly understand and know me, agree full-heartedly. Because they know I'm equally struggling with them over this beautiful concept of growing up.

Growing up and maturity. This can mean having a "real job," a car, a house, a family, to a lot of people. In my experience, I have met many people with such things who are sadly some of the most immature I have ever come across. Obviously, I don't think possessions/material wealth make you "grown." It's how you deal with these possessions and so many other things in life. Furthermore, I am heavily interested in not with what you can get, but what you can keep and how you go about maintaining what you've *got*.

Confidence and Courage. When you reach that point of letting go of petty drama, tension, recognizing and conquering your inner demons, etc. that you feel within yourself and with everyone around you. You stop being so angry with the world (at least less frequently), because you have the confidence to exist in it, to believe you can make a change somehow (if you really care to)- and a lot of people have their own ways of giving back- with what makes you uncomfortable. It means being able to go out and have a good time, regardless of who is there and what the location and environment are like. You truly appreciate and understand "unfamiliar territory." You really get what they mean when they say, "be the change you want to see."

It means you speak your mind freely but also being acutely aware of having tact, regardless of what people may think. You also realize how much your efforts to be tactful can be limiting to your inner freedom, not to mention how fake it can make you seem. You stop trying to impress people you probably don't know very well anyway.

You have the balls to admit when you feel stuck, and the balls to admit when you're emotional. You are honest with yourself and you try to reflect that onto others. You show the world you're unafraid of who and what you are at that given moment in time, but you have the wisdom to know that that can change in as little as 24 hours. You see your flaws, and you choose to either embrace them or work on changing them. For example, I had no problem admitting my past in becoming a 5 year old when dealing with my family (that includes boyfriend), but that has changed over recent years... and very significantly over these past few months. I realized I was trying to change the people in my family and being frustrated with who they were because their perspectives heavily conflicted with mine. However, I had to free myself of this and appreciate that I had a family- I started to tell myself fighting with them and having an attitude was not going to do anyone any good- they weren't going to change their beliefs. I could only do so much, but I no longer want to overexert myself which usually ends up in resentment. A funny thing happened, though- I also started to see how they were changing too. I realized, the hard way, that people DO change, people DO grow up... even our parents, who are over 50 years old. And this is only ONE example, this has happened for me with friends and strangers, too. Let it also be noted that it could've just been me growing up and seeing things and people for how/who they truly are and accepting it.

I have always, always, always been a heavy advocate for understanding the importance of being able to control yourself but not others. People are the way they are- and please do your best not to judge them- because everyone has their own story. As much as you think you know someone, you really don't- you don't know what goes on in their life behind closed doors... you may think I'm saying something really obvious but you'd be surprised just how many of you exude knowledge and behaviors that seem to go against this very obvious fact. Take a good look at yourself in the mirror. Accept it if you're an asshole to others because you make them feel like they can't be themselves around you. Chances are, you have no clue how shitty you make people feel. God, I hope those of you with this problem can recognize it. Swallow your pride, but just enough to be in sync with what kind of person you see yourself as. What and who you see yourself as and try so hard to fit that persona may be far off from what and who you really are to the world.

Growing up means you have the courage and knowledge to know that having a mirror held up to you by many different people- regardless of how long you've known them or how well you've known them and they you- isn't always a bad thing. You learn to see yourself in other, varying perspectives. Don't be afraid of this. Ask yourself when the last time you've accepted someone else's opinion of you was, ask yourself if you've even truly asked people what they thought of you. Ask yourself if these people have shut down their thoughts of you because they probably don't want to deal with your lashing and ridiculously high defenses. You also learn to see what types of people really understand you and which are "delusional" compared to your reality. We all have our own reality, we're all truly and significantly different in this aspect- get over it. You can only ignore the truth so much. And if you can't... you might not see it, ever, which I think is extremely unfortunate, but people you care about might leave you, get sick of you, whatever the case may be.

I know some of you have asked me personally what I thought of you, and with that you gained tons of brownie points with me ;) because I thought it was extremely brave and honorable. I was also beyond happy and honored to be asked.

Persistence. One of the few conditioning mantras that they use on us as kids that I agree with is, "do your best and don't give up." Of course, there's a lot more to it and I hope that most of us know by now that everything comes with a price (mentally, a lot of the time, I'm not talking about physical costs). But stop comparing yourself to other people, stop comparing yourself to other people's expectations of you. Are your expectations for yourself REALLY yours? How many of you see yourself "getting the fuck out of here" but are too comfortable to put it into execution? Do you start building defenses and excuses for yourself so that other people don't underestimate you? And so that you feel better about your situation that you never feel like it's changing? Newsflash, I see right through that bullshit. It was cute back in our High School and recent post-High School days, but these days, if you're still complaining and constantly self-pitying... people are going to start to view you as stuck and immature. I'm not saying you should care about what other people should think- however I know a lot of you do, but will never admit it because it's "taboo." Please. Give me a break. Save it for someone else who will fall for it. If you didn't care so much, you wouldn't be so defensive- to the point of making others nervous and/or having an attitude or condescending tone- about your views and opinions.

So be persistent... if you have a dream, find ways to achieve it or to fit even some of it into your life somehow. For instance, I love Art (acting and drawing/painting), and I have not done a lot of acting or drawing in a long time, but I am finding ways to implement it into my life so that I don't lose sight of what I'm passionate about. My ultimate dream? Fame... but in the way that it inspires people, to be so well-known that my voice and my take on life can be widely heard. To have the kind of Art that will last long after my body is physically done with this Earth. Financially? Yeah, it'd be nice to have money that I don't have to think about traveling the world and worrying about costs of flights and lodging. Most importantly, I'd like to have money to have the best Healthcare for my family and Damian. I'd like to buy things that'll make my family (that includes future Husband and kids) breathe easier. For now, I work with what I can. And currently? It caught up with my job, something I hate, but accept that I needed the money. Baby steps, but I've never felt more free. And I don't really complain or talk about work seriously, because we all have to do it. You're not any better than me because of what you do. In fact, you're probably below me because you allow yourself to be stuck there and you allow yourself to hate yourself and your life because of work. You CHOOSE to have your entire life revolve around work- some people are perfectly happy doing this, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I have to constantly remind certain readers that I'm talking about the unhappy souls- so don't sit on your high horse because you CHOOSE not to have time for a social life, your hobbies, your loved ones. If you choose it, I completely respect that and will not judge you (because apparently you know your body best) UNLESS you act like you're above everyone else for these decisions.

Growing Up means not having to constantly beg for attention to your "good deeds" and all the pain you've experienced. I'm going to talk about it now in the attempt to get my point across: Not many people know about the things I've had to go through, but that's because I don't find it necessary to let everyone know how I'm above them JUST because I've experienced and have seen others go through excruciating pain. And those who take my overly inflated ego seriously, you have some issues to sort out. I'm comfortable with the way I am, and I've gone through enough to know I'm not delusional about it, either. Anyway, I don't use my "pain" as an excuse to be a dick. I'm a dick because I want to be or feel the need to be. And a lot of people will tell you, I'm really not a dick. I just like dick, but that's besides the point ;)

Patience. Woop-de-doo, it's an hour past your bedtime. Big deal, you missed the train, lost your ID, can't find your keys... breathe, a lot of things can be recovered. It's an inconvenience, maybe, but you don't have to freak out and start cursing and making everyone around you uncomfortable because you think it's the end of the world. You don't have to insult other people in your insane frenzy. Sure, I have my moments of saying one or two "oh fuck!'s," but if any of you really paid attention, you'd see I'm extremely laid back about these things. I especially don't feel the need to insult anyone if they're trying to be kind, helpful and calming. I know there's always ways around something, and I know I can't change what has already happened. I move forward. Cognitive thinking. If you know your room is a mess, EXPECT not being able to find your credit card when you know you've dropped it somewhere in the abyss of clothes, bills, rolling papers, whatever your mess is. Seriously, calm the fuck down before I shove marijuana cookies down your throat.

Growing up is knowing EXACTLY what having an open mind is. A lot of you spout that you're SO non-judgmental and SO open-minded... but you're REALLY not. You don't accept how people are and you automatically assume you know what intelligence looks like so when you meet people who don't seem to fit your misguided criteria, you put them in this box titled, "not to be taken seriously." God, listen to people, all types of people. Crackheads, even. You never know what you're going to learn. Just because someone doesn't speak proper english doesn't make them an idiot, some of them have more insight than you ever will. I find a lot of people like to use the word "weird" in a serious context when in fact, the things and people they define as weird aren't weird at all. What the fuck makes them so "weird?" I'm sorry if you're society and media's puppet and other people don't choose to live that way. I'm very sorry you're so proud of being "normal," you boring-ass life-form. (If you're happy being boring, embrace it and hold your head high... but god, don't act like you're more interesting than you really are. Do something about it if you really hope to be interesting... and that's not to say everyone isn't interesting in their own way- but let's be real here, a lot of people are much more interesting than others). I'm also sorry I just got carried away with my own anger with the world. But seriously, how many people do you connect with outside of your comfort zone? How many people do you seriously talk to regardless of what they seem to look like? Judgmental fools. We're too old for that, come on now.

And how many of you are feeling offended by this? I think you have some growing up to do. Because you still don't know me very well, regardless of how long we've been in each other's lives. I've met people I felt more connected to within a month than those I've known all my life. If you want to use time as an argument- why do so many of you insist your parents don't know who you are when technically, they are the people who've known you the very longest?

Self-righteous crap. Get over yourself. Need I say more?

Growing up means you know how to include yourself without being annoying. Don't expect people to constantly invite you out. Have the balls to ask to hang out. "inviting yourself," a concept so overrated and avoided, ends up in feelings of inadequacy, anger, feeling left-out, the list goes on. Some people don't know how to invite other people out, so sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands. Also, try to be aware of if you're truly imposing on plans. If I invite you out to something I have planned with someone else or a group of people, obviously you are not imposing. I will never invite you out if the event is only for specific bonding between specific people. I know a lot of people will invite other out as a result of guilt... but that's not real to me and therefore WILL have these people feel like they're imposing. Personally speaking, I have made the decision that if I invite you out, it's because I want to see you and/or I feel you would have a good time. And if I feel like you're inviting me out because of obligation or guilt, I will ask if I'm imposing, because I know you don't work like me. Normally, I don't have this problem though *brushes shoulders off*. Don't dance around wanting to be invited out, just freaking ask me. You have nothing to be afraid of. The worst that can happen is me telling you that we have to hang out some other time. Not a big deal.

I found that in my travels (haha, I'm corny, can't help it), people who are truly confident and mature never feel threatened by anything I say or do. They are confident in telling me with what they disagree with, but not in a condescending or closed-off way... they are open to having their beliefs changed, etc. etc. and vice versa. It's more of a mutual respect and acceptance. You could never fully understand until you are this way. I'm sorry to say, if you don't get it, you don't get it. This is one thing I have no problem saying that if you disagree and/or feel angry, then sort it out with yourself... because I really don't care. I can only help you so much and if you're seriously open enough to accept help, but otherwise, I'm not concerned with your views on me and how I live my life. I'm confident and acutely aware enough to know exactly who I am at this point (emphasis on, "at this point"). And I know I'm not delusional because I've been extremely sensitive to what others have said about me but now I know which comments to take into consideration and which I just have to discard because I deeply feel it's not accurate. This is a skill a lot of you need to understand you do not have, but can acquire if you'd stop being so pig-headed. I have the wisdom to know that everything can change, and the experience to know that there is just SO. MUCH. MORE. TO. LEARN.- about me, about why I'm here, about who I meet, about every single thing that grazes my five senses. I have the sixth sense to be at peace, ultimately.

Have fun. Be human. Let out your inner child, he/she has not left with age. Let him/her come out to play sometimes. Laugh at stupid jokes, racist jokes, be clumsy, irresponsible, unhealthy, dirty... come on, even the FCC allow these things in the media... sometimes. But my point is, live a little. Say outrageous things. Fart. Poop. There's always SOMEBODY who's going to be offended or hurt... but like, whatever dude. I'm not saying just go out and be an asshole and tell people they're gross to their face (unless you really want to, just be prepared to deal with the consequences... oh, consequences, they're not as bad as some of you think), but there's a fine line between just having a laugh and damaging someone's confidence... although I believe mature people wouldn't allow themselves to be damaged too much. Know this line, all of the humorous souls in this world, especially comedians, understand this line but they're not going to censor themselves for the rest of their lives. Have fun and let loose- this means "looking stupid"- you'll see that you really don't look that stupid.


The most important lesson in growing up, I passionately believe, is to believe in Love. Another mantra I was told as a kid, "Love is out there, and it's powerful" and "Love conquers all," is something I have found- the hard way- to be extremely true. I've had my heart torn out, I've been stepped on, I've had times where I didn't think Love was real. Even through the short time that I believed Love was out of my grasp, I never fully believed that Love didn't exist for me. But I had my eyes opened- I'm so very blessed for this ability- to what love is. I'm not talking about in only the romantic kind, either. Love is something nobody can explain, but if you allow yourself, you will see it and feel it. And it will set you freen (Come to think of it, this will be the main focus of another blog for another day).

There are beautiful, beautiful people out there, regardless of their background, views, history, what have you. They love with all of their heart. They receive love openly, some with a lot of caution, understandably, but they still let out and in. Love for yourself, they weren't kidding, is crucial; boy, this is the most difficult thing to accomplish for anyone. But I believe it goes hand-in-hand with growing up and maturity. Sure, pain exists, but the cliche is true- without pain, there's no realization of Love and beauty. You figure out how to forgive those who have hurt you, even if takes you years... but because you understand life and people are always flowing and changing, you figure which people to truly forgive. You have an open mind about their ability to be a "better person" when you think they're a shitty person for hurting you. You really sit down and think about how forgiving others will allow you to forgive yourself.

You begin to accept that some losses, great and small, are inevitable. But with the continuing force and power of Love, you move on. I've noticed this is the ultimate cure for getting over death. Death is something that is just as powerful as Love and living life, but I believe tragedy, in most cases, bring out true love. I'm not going to get into that further, but I am confident most of you know exactly what I'm trying to say.