Care to Dance?

For a lot longer than I'd like to welcome, I've been sitting out from the most important dance floor- my own blog, where I can frolic around freely. Do I want to show all of my moves? Do I want to make people laugh with some ridiculous choreography? Do I want to push and shove and piss people off? Do I still want to sit this one out- hoping someone will notice, not pass judgment, and ask me to dance? My mind swims in all sorts of directions, everyday. My emotions are rarely steady- so, what I'm "in the mood" for is always changing.

But today, I will finally get up, "dance," and see what and/or who gets up or stays with the wallflowers. In other words, I'm finally going to post a new blog and see what flows through my fingertips onto the keyboard. My song's playing, son!

This is how I live. I don't think many people truly understand who I am or why I do what I do, but I realize more and more that that's okay. I don't think I'm meant to be fully understood, since I'm always changing, always moving, always growing. However, I can't deny the irritation that comes with being misjudged or misunderstood, as it sometimes creates an annoying obstacle that shouldn't even be there. I mean, who has time for unnecessary curveballs? Sometimes, it's a homerun... sometimes, it's hit out of the field, never to be seen again. You can still score with the latter approach to living.

In my adolescence, I couldn't let anything go. For shit. Things that left me in a state of euphoria, drama that confused me, the undeniable pain from various sources- whatever it was, I couldn't let go. My past rooted me to the spot, so to speak. Those who have truly stayed close to me are probably the best witnesses to my personal change. Those who have come into my life recently, whose company I enjoy and would love to keep, probably only know this "new" me. In short, my college and post-college friends would never recognize the girl I was in High School. I don't even recognize her- and this is an extraordinary, wonderful thing.

The whole human change thing fascinates me. On the topic of relationships, you often hear that "you can't change someone." And then you hear about the people who DO "change" or have gotten someone to change. So what are we left to believe? Well, who cares? Why is it that people always look to other sources for their beliefs in the first place? Why do people bend over backwards for validation? I mean, we have theories on why, but seriously, what's the point anymore? For a long time, I've made my own reality. I took things into my own hands, experienced things for myself and learned that you could never have any right or wrong answer. When you actually step back, everyone is truly different. Hence the bipolar opinions on whether or not you can change someone. And what does changing someone really mean anyfuckingway? I once saw a quote that went something like this: "People don't change- they just become more of who they really are." I pondered this for a while, played with the idea and decided that for the most part, I agreed. The part of me that disagrees is due to the fact that some people apparently lose who they are with time. And I think this whole "Who you are" phenomenon alludes to how happy you are with what you're doing with your life. I mean, truly happy- your heart feels you're in the right place.

Now, how much does THAT SEEM to happen in cities like New York?

In an expensive city such as this and with the economy today (damn, I was hoping I didn't have to mention the "e" word), oftentimes people claim, "I don't know who I am anymore" because following some of their dreams would be deemed "risky" and sometimes "impossible" or "silly." So they take the safe route and sometimes become very successful with money, but realize it's just not making them happy. Don't get me wrong, I know this happens way too much with or without a stable economy, but it's more obvious now that everyone is practically living in fear. I must say, I don't think we should ever live with so much fear. Necessary precautions, maybe... but shit is always brought to another level. Unnecessary.

On the bright side, people are having a humble holiday season. Sadly nicknamed "Recessmas," Christmas this year is projected as something gloomy and dark JUST because the money isn't there for the big presents or lavish parties. I think it's a great time to have some real bonding time with the ones who don't care how much money you make, without the society produced idea of material things taking over Christmas. I realize that with all the things I scoff at and can be negative about, the Holiday Season was never one of them. I'm not sure why. This is one thing that I haven't let go of- that good ol' "holiday spirit." Maybe because it usually unifies most people under the wonderful excuse to finally be nice, happy, at peace, whatever feel-good moods. Who knows. It sure is a nice thing to have masses of people switch on the better part of them for a few weeks. What I'm saying is, people seem more genuine during the holidays. They think, "well if I can't say it during the holidays, when will I ever?" I don't know who or what gave birth to this condition, but I do know that I appreciate it. I like it. Honesty is my favorite, even when it's brutal.

Back to change. I know, I'm beginning to sound like Barack Obama. But you wanna know something? It irked the SHIT out of me how much he was promoting "change," and how it made everyone a follower of "change." Don't get me wrong, I know of all the good this has brought about and I support our new president, but I think it's utter bullshit when people are chanting "change," when they don't realize they're damn comfortable with no change at all, mostly in their personal lives. I'm talking about when someone says, "he/she changed," hand in hand with an unpleasant, judgmental tone. I'm talking about the people who won't open up their hearts to someone new, someone who's different from your usual circle of friends. I'm talking about those people who still can't bring about their own personal change because they're too scared and/or relying on somebody, anybody but themselves, to bring change to them. I'm talking about the people from your past who suddenly can't seem to walk further down the road with you- who can't seem to wrap their finger around the idea that you have on some new skin- who don't have faith in you because of past things you've done or said. Get over these grudges, guys! I don't want to contradict what I said earlier about people being different from one another because I understand some people want to stay comfortable forever. To each their own, man. It's just that I'm talking about the ones who constantly bitch, complain, sulk, judge others for going about their lives differently. These people, quite frankly, need not apply for any position in my life nor should they impose their pessimism on people who actually know what they're doing and are happy with it. Then again, they're comfortable doing so. Good for them. Just stay away from me.

It sucks when I meet people like this, because you can't really help who you meet. At least, I can't. I'm really not that big of a bitch that my bad moods sometimes suggest (friends who follow my facebook statuses, you know what I mean, haha). Therefore, I don't pick and choose who I meet and greet based on what they look like, their occupation, education background, income, blah blah blah. Also, I go out- everywhere. Can't avoid meeting people, right? Anyway, I can't seem to accept those people I meet who are so insecure that they think my being friendly is threatening. I'm chuckling out loud for this one. Maybe it's this whole misconception (ah, another misjudgment) that New Yorkers are cold, snobby, nasty, what have you. So when people learn that I'm actually a native, they think something must be wrong with me. Like, friendliness and hospitality can never be associated with NYC. I find so much amusement in making people feel uncomfortable when all I'm doing is being nice. I know what "annoyingly nice" is or what "over-talkative" is, but I can assure you, these people are special cases where they jump when you say "Hello, how are you?" You especially gotta love the ones who SWEAR you're in love with them because you're paying them some attention. Jesus Christ, eat some humble pie. Let me know how it tastes. While you're at it, take some classes on socializing. Eh, if you even want to :)

Oh, my FAVORITE are those who believe the happier you are, the DUMBER you are. Shed full of tools, they are. I found that a lot of people believe that being intelligent means you can't admit to listening to (or even just having fun with) a lot of mainstream music or movies or any popular media for that matter. They think intelligence means you have to hate or have a negative thing to say about EVERYTHING that falls into "the hype," (i.e. I think Harry Potter is a brilliant read, no matter how huge it is. On the other hand, fuck "Twilight"- from some very reliable sources I've heard it's quite brainless but nevertheless addicting, hence the hype but fuck the hype, damn it). They think people who party more than they do are dumber. They think the less friends you have, the bigger your brain is. They judge you on your social decisions, career choices, GPA, political views (according to their standards you're automatically stupid if you don't care for politics) etc. etc. Lord, help them gain some insight into some real human beings. My main reason for saying this is for the people who would never guess that I went through a pretty dark period, because they think that because I usually have a cheery disposition and an apparent easy-going/carefree perspective on things these days, that I don't know a thing about life.

God, nothing entertains me more than being underestimated. Some people let it get in the way, I take it along as fuel!

Just remember, we've all been CONDITIONED to think that the more money you make, the better person you are. WE'RE CONDITIONED to think that good person equals: the more famous your university is, what major you take on, or if you even choose to go to college, the way you act in public, all that structural rubbish. But it gets confusing! Aren't we CONDITIONED to accept people as they are? Most of us, anyway, are forced to look at everyone as an equal, right? THESE IDEAS CONTRADICT THEMSELVES. It's like, you have to accept everyone, but you shouldn't hang out with people who drop out of this and that. Listen, everyone's got a different reason for where they're at in life and I think it's bullshit when people pass such strong judgment.

Let me finally elaborate on what change has meant for me, personally. Self image, self esteem, fashion vs. sense of style, opinions, etc. have all changed for me since High School. Half- or maybe more than half- the girl who lived before she went into her 20's is like a vague memory only brought back to life in memories, around old friends reminiscing. Although... with so many things that are different it still might put my reputation (whatever that is) at risk. People thinking you've changed for the worst. If given the chance, I believe if you were to look really closely, I'm who I've always been, just more expressive and unapologetic about it.

What hasn't changed? My generous heart is still the same (trust me, to a fault). My laugh (unfortunate for some within earshot) is still strange, usually loud, but authentic; my sense of humor can never escape me. No matter what I say, I value human life and would like to help as much as I can so that it doesn't go to waste. I am the same girl who can bring powerful energy to your gatherings. I'm still the same, fun-loving, personable girl I was so many years ago.

So what's all this change stuff about? My heart's still on my sleeve, it seems, but I have full control on when to take it off. I'm probably at my heaviest weight I've ever been but I can't think of one time that I was happier and more comfortable in public than I am now. I missed out on some things in my teenage years (thankfully have been more than made up for in my 20's) because I used to be obsessed and terribly self-conscious to the point of being afraid to go out. These days I couldn't imagine staying home for more than 2 nights in a row because I get so antsy and bored. Maybe because I know how to carry myself better. Maybe it's the maturity and kindness of others I've encountered. Maybe I did the normal "growing up" thing and stopped caring about all that nonsense. Maybe because I actually like the way I look. Maybe because I am 15% ashamed of, 85% embracing of my shopaholic tendencies. That's another thing- my oh MY how my views on Fashion have altered. I probably didn't even know what it was when I was younger. Call it superficial, shallow, what have you. It's a big part of me today- my clothes, my accessories, whatever I have to look my best and feel my most fabulous. My sense of style has changed, but please don't think this means I'll turn my nose up at people who don't give a rat's ass about fashion. I know where they're coming from. I understand how ridiculous the industry looks to many, but I'm not going to sit here and lie about being a part of the many that have sheer appreciation for it and take it at least somewhat seriously. Also to be noted, with all due respect, I do not aspire to be Anna Wintour and I don't care if certain things are passe (Uggs will never leave my side in the winter time. Another change: Uggs disgusted me in H.S.) and I don't care for silly names like, "fashionista" (I cringe when people self-claim the title).

If I had anyone to thank for this, it'd be my education in Advertising (psychology, sociology, marketing, business- ultimately, understanding what different people like!), the stylish company I've been fortunately blessed with over the years, my girly-girl Mother (who takes obvious delight in the death of the tomboy once inhabiting her daughter), spending most of my time in Manhattan (need I say more), so on and so forth... it's all been a great big superficial blessing! Point is, take me shopping with you if you value that sort of opinion. (I will steer you away from that tacky shit like Guess, Juicy Couture, no-style Abercrombie, or things of that nature. See, this is what I mean... my views on these things will get me in trouble. Seriously though, if you're comfortable with what you spend your money on, who the fuck cares what I say?) Really though, I do like people for the most part and I don't mean to offend. Don't take it personal, because I'll probably have no idea what you're talking about anyway.

That's another thing. My memory sucks. I used to remember everything about everyone. I mean, everything. To me, the highest honor is getting permission (sometimes unnoticed) to pick another's brain, to be able to really know a person. (If I hadn't dabbled in the Arts, I would've majored in Psychology. True story). The details don't stick with me as well as they used to. This is probably good, because back then I remembered certain things so that I can be prepared for the knives aiming for my back. I suppose it was a defense mechanism. Now, I honestly don't remember a lot of the little things because I've learned that they're just that- little things. I take huge interest and genuine care in what you confide in me, but I'm more involved with getting things done in my life than always pausing for someone else's. Let's put it this way, I'm still Little Miss Therapist- happily- without getting too involved where it hinders getting things done in my own life. And I'm here to help you move along as well.

So, while some of your past thoughts of me are warm and positive (and still hopefully accurate), I have to shed light upon those who make it into a thing of inferiority. I guess it's weird when I hear, "little Candace has finally grown up" or something like that because it's as if, essentially, you were superior to me at one point, or still holding onto that idea. This next part is especially for you who barely know me and yet insist I'm somehow inferior. Take it from me, I've probably seen more than you have and have grown and matured faster than you have. I don't always have the time or money to look my greatest, but I probably have a better sense of style and understanding of fashion than you ever will. My eye and taste is one of my better qualities. I have full control and awareness of who I am, what I am, what I'm doing, how I'm behaving, even how I may appear to different kinds of people. So, you're right, if this is what you call "growing up" associated with Candace.

I've finally come to a blank. It's nice to have written again and getting these thoughts out. I guess it's a matter of really not caring what people think and yet admitting certain things that people think are affecting me in some way. In any case, thanks to everyone in my life, past and present, for the constant food for thought and helping me live my colorful life. Time goes so much quicker than I would have ever imagined.

Thanks for the dance.


And I danced all night. Slowing down, disappearing into the background for rest here and there, but never sitting out on the entire party. I knew better than that.

An Ode to Me, in the Flesh.

It's taken me a long time to come to terms with who I am and what I am about, simply because of the maintenance of an open mind. I do not always have the strongest opinions nor do I feel they are always superior to others'. I listen to countless point of views of countless human beings; and with that I mold my own reality and beliefs. Observing others' behaviors and their applications to living life only help me further assess my own. When I am passionate about something, however, it takes immense effort, if not impossible, to change my attitude about whatever that something is.

And thus I am proud to say, I finally know what it means to be true to myself. Rather, I have a better idea at what I've been doing that has been true to me or not. Most people who have met me have told me they admire me for my honesty and carefree attitude- and I'm sure there are some who are annoyed with it or simply try to find little factors to denounce that title of "realness." Positive or negative, I am who I am and only love myself more for it. I'm sick of recounting certain events in my head and thinking I did not act "appropriately" or coming close to regret about, which, again I have to say, I fully do not support. Regret and jealousy are what I deem to be two of the most wasted emotions and energies an individual can exert in life.

Furthermore, I am able to admit that I'm crazy. Now, depending on what your view is, I can be fundamentally crazy with an ability to control it, or I can be your normal woman with crazy tendencies. Whatever it is, I'm not going to sit here and try to assure people that I'm not crazy. Thanks to my dating experience for this revelation. No, maybe I'm not your typically crazy chick who blows up your phone when you are not even committed to me, I don't throw shit fits over people cancelling plans and I don't go out of my way trying to "compete" with other females. When it comes to the dating game, I've been quite laid-back about it, which probably aided my success in conquering my past dates. I was one of the very, very few, if not ONLY, female these guys have met that they couldn't call "crazy." I'd have to agree, once I learned what a crazy woman was in their eyes.

I think I'm "crazy" in that "I don't care who sees or hears me do this" kind of way, and that self-deprecating way. I say I'm crazy because I certainly have my days where something gets to me more than it should, causing me to become more emotional than rational at times. But, I digress... because at the end of it all, I still stand level headed and more than anything, work hard to bring back my focus.

I think people need to come to terms about how crazy they are and how silly it may look at times.

Some seem often frustrated with me because I appear to have a cool head on my shoulders and can function marvelously under pressure. With that, it's hard for me to tell people, "I think you're just being crazy about this." So where do I go? I post a new blog.

I used to revel in the fact that I had no enemies or haters. Then I realized there was nothing about me to really hate on. This was at a time when I was adolescent, inexperienced, awkward and shy. Once upon a time, yes it's true, Candace had inhibitions. When I started coming to my senses, I realized I did have enemies and "haters," in the form of friends. Some called themselves "best friends." It's truly liberating all the while saddening when you realize some relationships did not work out or cannot go any further because of jealousy. Jealous of WHAT, you ask? I can only guess it may have something to do with having more confidence than the biggest celebrity, letting go of insecurities faster than a pop star going to perform on stage. I realized I was losing respect for certain people because of their inability to accept that I was doing what they wish they could do. And dear lord I do not mean to come off cocky as I'm just trying to recount some of my experiences and my theories on the subjects because it genuinely disheartens me. Of course there are people who have good, legit reasons to dislike me... but I haven't met them and if they don't have the balls to tell me to my face, I consider them trivial and a waste of time. Not that I would really consider it a life-threatening issue if I knew about them either.

I grew up around people telling me what I was and how I should be. Now that I want to make it into a profession is an entirely different story. I am passionate about my aspirations to become a great actress, and I am no longer held back by my past. I only use it as fuel now... and that is, perhaps what annoys these people the most. I'd like to think I'm extremely likable and that I really still don't have any enemies right now, but I am always going to be prepared for those who have nothing better to do than to try to be an obstacle.

I accept that I'm still learning. I don't seriously claim to know everything but I try to shed light on most subjects because I'm a quick learner and I'm quite insightful and analytical when you yourself have an open mind and ears. I'm not afraid to act like the ditz of the group nor am I afraid to ask "stupid questions." I am unafraid of being exactly who I am at this point in my life and will not apologize for it- not wholeheartedly, anyway, if it comes down to it. I form first impressions and short-lived judgments. Beliefs come into play once I really know about something- enough to have a strong opinion about it. Meanwhile, let me live like a human being as I let you.

I have not been in a more stable place than I am right now. I think it's because I finally went back to my artistic roots. Those who know me at my strongest, know that ain't nobody or nothin' gettin in the way of what I want.

With this I urge, urge, URGE you to please try and be real to yourself and those around you... as much as you can. If you don't know something, say so. If you don't like something, say so. I have too many friends whom I noticed are followers. Stand up and be a leader, do something without thinking someone will see it. Do it for yourself... seriously. Start living, man.

Hallmark, Shmallmark

Best card I have ever received (and trust me, I have received some pretty awesometastic cards) is from my boyfriend and it's by "Coffeehouse."

[Front:]
Just before
you go
to bed
tonight,
look out
your window...
See that
one little star
shining down
just
for
you?

[Inside:]
Every time
it twinkles,
it's me
saying
I love you,
and
I miss you,
and I can't wait
until
You're Here
with
me
again.

*Melts* :) Thanks to my babe, and thank you Coffeehouse for making a great card that suits us so well. We have this strange but beautiful thing between us about the moon and stars.

I know my friend Kerri would absolutely love this :)

Anyway, that's all for now... I promise I'll blog something longer and not so directly related to my love life, soon.

Mazel Tov!

Oh and P.S. I am ecstatic. For practically the entire month I've been trying to make a very huge purchase and with that came a lot of stress, doubts, planning, etc. I want the world to know I thank my mother for her fierce bitch attitude because without her, this all would not have been possible and I would not have saved as much as I could've. I am ashamed to have doubted her from the beginning. I forget that she's been a bargain and business genius for most of her life. Times like this, I am not so afraid to "turn out like my mother." In fact, all of her good qualities I hope people see in me as well. Cheers to you, Mama!

P.P.S. Rest in Peace, Heath Ledger. The whole thing saddens me everytime I think about it. I was actually looking for the original version of "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You" by Frankie Valli today and came across the short clip of Ledger singing it in 10 Things I Hate About You, which is one of my favorite movies of all time and also the very first time I fell in love with Heath Ledger. I almost cried when I listened to it.

It was absolutely surreal; when, ironically, right at the end of my Advanced Acting class, one of my classmates received several texts from different people all reporting the actor's death. This was a few moments after they discovered the body in his SoHo apartment (eerie that I just passed that building recently). Tired, coffee & food-deprived and extremely out of it, I laughed and thought it was a joke. I then started to worry and was heart broken when I read it online. He was beautiful, had a wonderful singing voice and talented. It's really depressing thinking about it, but I hope the best for all of his loved ones.

Extracted thought: I hope that when I pass, it'll be a really huge deal.

2007 Absentee "Ballad"

If people were curious about yours truly, they'd know nothing and probably give up if they were to look for me through blogs in '07. I posted one rant on pop culture "and such," and before that a small tidbit about my love life at the end of '06... but that's about it. Oops!

I've spoken to quite a few people and it seems that the consensus on 2007 is that it was a "bad year." I agree with this because I feel I ignored the better half of me for most of the year (i.e. I took a long break from pushing myself harder as far as employment opportunities go, I did not go out and do things for myself as much as I could/should have, and I barely upgraded my closet!) On the other hand, I do not agree that it was all bad because I did one very, very important thing: I fell in love.

I fell in love towards the beginning of '07 and the rest of the year has been spent maintaining that love, growing and learning. Lots of learning. The man responsible for all of this moved in with me sometime towards the end of the winter season and from there, I gave up much of my life and interests creating a strong foundation for this very-much-worth-it new interest. Admittedly, there were some bumps that made me miss single life but I would not trade in one moment. You all know how I feel about regretting things- I simply don't believe in it!

And this brings us here. After my month long trip to Houston (which meant a month away from my hubby), I found myself again mostly with the help of my sister, my mom and most certainly, him. We would talk on the phone every night and something changed during those phone calls. I fell in love again. I fell for him, harder than ever... now that's a feeling I'm glad I endured a whole year of learning things the hard way... which, in retrospect, is probably the best way to learn about true love. At the risk of sounding like a complete sap and/or braggart, I must say I have the best catch in all of the cosmos.

Throughout everything, he has been determined to show me that he is what I've been searching for these past few years. I was one of those girls who gave myself a time frame- "Oh, I'll start really looking and actually find him when I'm at least 25." I was blown over when I found him a few years before my planning and I suppose that's why people tell you over and over again, "it'll happen when you least expect it." When I first met him, I was iffy about it. I thought he embodied nothing I was looking for in a potential mate- everything from my attraction to him down to his sense of humor. But we all know first impressions- especially over the phone- are rarely great at enforcing judgments. On November 5th, 2006, I agreed to letting him take me out and it must've been the stars (might I add, were pretty bright for a New York City winter night) and the full moon we had our first kiss under. Magic on West 4th street.

He has changed my life in so many ways that so many people can only imagine. I am grateful for his presence and above it all, I am so happy that I have someone to pine over when I'm not with him. I miss him every second he's not with me by my side and for once, I know there is at least one person who has me on his mind as his first priority. You have no idea how amazing it feels. It's been over a year, and his hugs and kisses still melt away the chaotic world I live in or the chaotic world my mind creates sometimes. I'm so happy to be starting another year with him and this time, I'm re-emerging to continue into fabulousness.

We have finally come to the understanding how important personal space is (I'm sure you know that's quite difficult when you live with the person) and how important our mere physical energies are to one another's daily grind. He is my very best friend, as most people nowadays don't do a great job at keeping my trust but I thank every single circumstance, good and bad, for bringing me closer to him. In the next couple of years, look out for an invitation to the coolest wedding ever! Haha :)

So, that's the update on where I was for 2007 and a little bit on where I'm headed for 2008... that's what this blog's been created for. Stay tuned!

Thanks for letting me share this with you :)

I love you, D.

Movement

Well folks, I finally made the transition from Xanga and Myspace blogging to what I feel is the "real deal." I suppose this will be a documentation of my life after the year 2007, and then some. The novelty of college life has worn off, the anticipation of going out into the "real world," grows.

Personally, I haven't written many, if not any, proper and entertaining entries since my pre-20's. In my opinion, everything I wrote about before then was pretty insightful, interesting and moving. Now I can't seem to put anything of that caliber onto the screen or even a piece of paper. I suppose I got bored of it or something... I don't know. I feel everything I write about now, someone else would have touched upon that topic. I read endless blogs of others and they all just seem the same. It becomes dull after a while.

Yet another reason I have not written because of the drama I did not feel like entertaining. However, I've been holding all too much inside, I'm getting too old to care- and damn it, I miss blogging!

Anyway, I've come to my senses and realized that if I wanted to write, who the hell cares who's reading it?! Like I just said, I miss blogging and it'll give me something extra to do. So I just wanted to pop the blogspot/blogger cherry with this entry, as well as revive my well overdue account. More thoughts coming up later. I welcome you all to my new blog!

Ciao!